Well, we're gonna try to make one, at least! haha! (How many of you caught on to my little tune?!)
Anyways, after Jeremy and I sat down with his parents last night, I got to vent to them about what was going through our minds. I LOVE talking to Jeremy's dad about stuff like this...He is so good about helping me to make better choices and to decide on things. He honestly is the dad I never had. Sadly, but true. (We don't even have time to go into that). It's still weird to me because I never knew what it was like to have a dad to go to, so I'm not sure how all this works most days. haha!
But anyways, we have decided to go back to Dr. Phy and try the IUI one last time. We will set up an IVF consult with her and discuss the process to see if it something that we might consider or not. If it is as iffy as I feel it to be, we will begin the adoption process. I was reading in my new book today and the question arised: Do you just want to be biological parents or do you want to be parents? And J and I decided we want to be parents, however God choses us to be. I know that adoption can be scary, because you will never know what type of child you will be placed with, but I do know that as long as we go in this with God on our side, we will have the perfect child for us. We don't care about race or gender ( I want a boy, though!!!) or if the child has special needs. We want to be able to raise a child in honor of the Lord and teach him (okay...or her...lol!) His ways. I want to have a child that has both a mom and a dad at home and they are God-fearing parents. I don't want my child to live in the same shoes I lived in. I never knew when I would see my dad. I remember the years of physical violence. I do know that my child will grow up in a house of love. (I'm not saying that I wasn't loved, but children don't need to see that! I'm a product of that and it's not fun living with it now!)
We already have an adoption agency picked out and it's called Faithful Adoption Consultants. They helped Jeremy's cousin and are the most amazing people I think I've met. They became clients August 1st and sweet Piper was born on September 1st. She is hanging out in Florida in the NICU until she is healthy enough to come home.
So, please please continue to pray that the Lord will bless us with or without a child. I have felt His hand in all of this and I know He is still by my side!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
My ways are not your ways....
Isaiah 55:8 states this:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
Declares the Lord.
Well, within the next week, we will hopefully have a road to travel on. We have taken the last 3 months off from IUI's and doctor visits to recoup emotionally and physically. I went to Mardels today to get a gift for a friend's teenage daughter and ended up buying myself a book too. I needed to find a book that has scripture and God's word to describe God's plan for us during this battle with infertility. I asked the young college boy if he had any books on infertility and honestly, I think I embarrassed the poor kid! Anyways, I found this book:
So far it is really good. I'm only about 40 pages into it. It is a companion book you are supposed to read with your partner. My husband doesn't read. haha! So, I just tell him the keypoints and scripture and leave it there! On the way home, I asked him if he had any idea of any sort of plan for us. We had been so sure all along the way since my surgery that we would go forth with the IUI's. Well, we just figured since I had the surgery to remove the septum and then the endometriosis we found out I had after the surgery that I would just be magically fixed and that we would just get pregnant the first time trying. Wrong. 1 natural cycle and 2 IUI's and 3 medicated natural cycles later, we still aren't pregnant. Why? I don't know. HE does. I am such a planner and NEED to take control of my life. But as the scripture so states, His plans aren't mine. Jeremy asked if I thought that maybe we were going down this road without His direction but ours. I honestly don't think we are. I know he gave us both the desire to be parents and we prayerfully made the decision to seek further help from Dr. Phy. But this little break has caused us to really think. We have prayed much lately about His plan and to show us if this is still His plan and not ours. He knows my desires and He knows my heart. I just need Him to give me guidance as to what step to take next.
We also discussed the Mack-Daddy of infertility treatments: IVF. In-Vitro Fertilization. We both have mixed feelings about this. We are planning to call our Dr and get a consult with her to discuss this process. From what I have read online and in books, it's rather complicated. IF you have good quality eggs retracted during a MINOR surgery-type procedure, they are then fertilized. Only a certain % will fertilize. What if you have more than 2 (the max amount she will implant in the uterus) embryos? How do you pick which ones that go in? Who does that? What do they do with the ones that are left? I know they could be frozen, but is that the embryo or is it the egg? We have decided that if it's the embryo that is either frozen or to be tossed out, we aren't going through with IVF ever. I know that God gave the doctors the knowledge and ability to do this type of advanced therapy, however, I don't want to mess with God's divine purpose.
We also discussed adoption. How would we pick? Would we just let God surprise us? Do we want a multiracial child (we aren't racist at all what-so-ever, it's honestly an option we would have to decide on)...What if that child has special needs? Would we be equipped to care for that child?
My father-in-law always states to never worry about anything until you have something to worry about, then don't worry about it and give it to God. It's SO true, but it's been so hard when I have been asking for guidance and direction and I haven't been given a clear answer.
So, pray much for us that we will go forward if it HIS will and not our own. Also please pray that if it isn't His will, that we will have the peace that passes all understanding.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
What's Next?
Who the heck knows!
Haha! When we went on vacation in July, we shared with Dr. Phy that we wanted to take some time off from the IUI's (I know, we've only done 2...but it's just been emotionally and physically draining since December and since the surgery in March and we just really needed a break...). She gave me 3 months of Femara (what helps my body to ovulate...) and told us to take as much time as we needed, but at the end of the 3 months, we needed to decide if want to continue with our last IUI or go on to IVFor if we just wanted to try on our own without any medication. It has been extremely peaceful.
Most days.
I am beginning to feel content with our lives just as we are. This is so hard, I'm not gonna lie. When I begin to get "baby fever" or a green streak starts to show up, all I can do is pray and ask God to please help me be content. I found this quote on Pinterest the other day, and I LOVE it! I have to constantly remind myself that although we are in the middle of the battle and this is a very hard and exhausting fight, that we wouldn't be here if it wasn't in His plan. And with that, I continue to ask him to show us His plan and to help us leave this path if this isn't what His plan is for us right now.
Although my arms and our extra room may be emtpy and longing to hold a child of our own, God is working with me on filling my heart with His love. I need Him to show me what He wants me to be and to lead me in the direction that I should go.
I don't know if I will ever give birth to a child of my own, but I would like to think that God does in fact have a child in store for us somewhere.
We don't know what path to take and need some prayers of guidance right now. We don't want to jump into something that isn't His plan for us. I want to do what He is leading me to do. I am not ready to give up fighting for pregnancy, but I want that to be His will. It is so hard for me to not just give up and try to take control of my fertility on my own. I KNOW I have to take the medication to make me ovulate, but what do we do? Do we proceed with the last IUI and see where that takes us or do we go straight to IVF? Where the $12-$20k we could use to adopt a child.
I DON'T KNOW. And this is hard. But He does. And I have to put all of my trust in Him and not halfheartedly.
Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that: "I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
What this tells me is to LET GO and let Him handle this! He is already there and knows my future. Which His plans are so much better than ours. He isn't gonna lead me down a path of failure and hurt (He just has to show me the right path...Or I might just slip that way...)
Haha! When we went on vacation in July, we shared with Dr. Phy that we wanted to take some time off from the IUI's (I know, we've only done 2...but it's just been emotionally and physically draining since December and since the surgery in March and we just really needed a break...). She gave me 3 months of Femara (what helps my body to ovulate...) and told us to take as much time as we needed, but at the end of the 3 months, we needed to decide if want to continue with our last IUI or go on to IVFor if we just wanted to try on our own without any medication. It has been extremely peaceful.
Most days.
I am beginning to feel content with our lives just as we are. This is so hard, I'm not gonna lie. When I begin to get "baby fever" or a green streak starts to show up, all I can do is pray and ask God to please help me be content. I found this quote on Pinterest the other day, and I LOVE it! I have to constantly remind myself that although we are in the middle of the battle and this is a very hard and exhausting fight, that we wouldn't be here if it wasn't in His plan. And with that, I continue to ask him to show us His plan and to help us leave this path if this isn't what His plan is for us right now.
Although my arms and our extra room may be emtpy and longing to hold a child of our own, God is working with me on filling my heart with His love. I need Him to show me what He wants me to be and to lead me in the direction that I should go.
I don't know if I will ever give birth to a child of my own, but I would like to think that God does in fact have a child in store for us somewhere.
We don't know what path to take and need some prayers of guidance right now. We don't want to jump into something that isn't His plan for us. I want to do what He is leading me to do. I am not ready to give up fighting for pregnancy, but I want that to be His will. It is so hard for me to not just give up and try to take control of my fertility on my own. I KNOW I have to take the medication to make me ovulate, but what do we do? Do we proceed with the last IUI and see where that takes us or do we go straight to IVF? Where the $12-$20k we could use to adopt a child.
I DON'T KNOW. And this is hard. But He does. And I have to put all of my trust in Him and not halfheartedly.
Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that: "I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
What this tells me is to LET GO and let Him handle this! He is already there and knows my future. Which His plans are so much better than ours. He isn't gonna lead me down a path of failure and hurt (He just has to show me the right path...Or I might just slip that way...)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Club
It finally hit me. I'm not in the club. I don't like being left out or rejected. I don't like being a loner. But, I'm not apart of this club. I'm not sure why I was left out but it really sucks.What is this club??
The Mommy Club.
I have just realized I have NO family or friends that aren't mommies. I'm a loner. I feel really left out and really abandoned.
I sometimes feel like people really don't wanna hang out with us because we don't have kids so we don't have anything in common anymore. We still like to go out every once in a while and go to a movie or whatever, but can't ask anyone to go with us because they all have babies and can't just drop them off. These things take time and planning. No more spur of the moment shopping trips, etc. No "play dates" with us because who the heck is their kid gonna play with? I know we aren't purposefully being excluded, however it feels like we have the plague and we are avoided at all possible occasions. And to be quite honest. I'm starting to avoid them too. It is so hard to watch them be so happy with their itty bitties. Don't get me wrong, I never once thought they didn't deserve the child they have. I am so grateful that they haven't had to battle this like us...(And the ones that have had to battle it and have won have a special place in my heart and you really truly know who you are!=)
It's lonesome being outside this club because when other club members are together, they have all sorts of things to talk about...But, I have nothing but a breaking heart. An empty womb that has never felt the kicks and hiccups of a life growing inside of me. I don't have any advice to give because how do I know? Sure, I work with kids, but it's not the same as having your own. I "know" my kids at work, but not like their momma's. It's really tough. Plus, what do they say to a barren soul? You can only sympathize for so long before you become depressed yourself! Then, you probably begin to try to avoid conversation with a barren. You don't really know what to say because you are afraid you will hurt their feelings or you really just don't have anything in common anymore.
I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going but I just needed to write.
I'm starting to feel really down about this IUI business. So it didn't work. Again. Big Deal, right? I've only dealt with this for 5 freaking years. Shouldn't I be used to this? Nope. It get's worse, folks. The longer I go with all of this the harder it gets. Each month I lose a little more faith. It's tough to keep the faith some days.
I sometimes feel I'm being punished. I don't go to church regularly, I don't tithe regularly, I am not actively involved in a church. I don't minister to others. So, is this what I'm doing wrong? I don't know where I should be in a church or what. I pray about it, but I haven't ever felt God lead us anywhere. We are just hanging out in Limbo. Do you think this is why we are being punished? Sometimes I feel if I just plug myself in somewhere I won't be doing it whole-heartedly...Only just in vain to be rewarded. I have been feeling a little more distant from God. I know that I haven't been feeling him a whole lot lately, but I know somewhere, he is there.
My husband has been having a really hard time with his faith as well. He is having a hard time seeing God in this battle and feeling him near him. A lot of what he is feeling really truly breaks my heart because this is NOT my husband....however I know his heart. I know how he is feeling. This is something that we will have to work so hard together to get through.
This just sucks. Sorry for the monotonous posting about my depressing and empty soul, but this is my life right now, and it's important to me.
The Mommy Club.
I have just realized I have NO family or friends that aren't mommies. I'm a loner. I feel really left out and really abandoned.
I sometimes feel like people really don't wanna hang out with us because we don't have kids so we don't have anything in common anymore. We still like to go out every once in a while and go to a movie or whatever, but can't ask anyone to go with us because they all have babies and can't just drop them off. These things take time and planning. No more spur of the moment shopping trips, etc. No "play dates" with us because who the heck is their kid gonna play with? I know we aren't purposefully being excluded, however it feels like we have the plague and we are avoided at all possible occasions. And to be quite honest. I'm starting to avoid them too. It is so hard to watch them be so happy with their itty bitties. Don't get me wrong, I never once thought they didn't deserve the child they have. I am so grateful that they haven't had to battle this like us...(And the ones that have had to battle it and have won have a special place in my heart and you really truly know who you are!=)
It's lonesome being outside this club because when other club members are together, they have all sorts of things to talk about...But, I have nothing but a breaking heart. An empty womb that has never felt the kicks and hiccups of a life growing inside of me. I don't have any advice to give because how do I know? Sure, I work with kids, but it's not the same as having your own. I "know" my kids at work, but not like their momma's. It's really tough. Plus, what do they say to a barren soul? You can only sympathize for so long before you become depressed yourself! Then, you probably begin to try to avoid conversation with a barren. You don't really know what to say because you are afraid you will hurt their feelings or you really just don't have anything in common anymore.
I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going but I just needed to write.
I'm starting to feel really down about this IUI business. So it didn't work. Again. Big Deal, right? I've only dealt with this for 5 freaking years. Shouldn't I be used to this? Nope. It get's worse, folks. The longer I go with all of this the harder it gets. Each month I lose a little more faith. It's tough to keep the faith some days.
I sometimes feel I'm being punished. I don't go to church regularly, I don't tithe regularly, I am not actively involved in a church. I don't minister to others. So, is this what I'm doing wrong? I don't know where I should be in a church or what. I pray about it, but I haven't ever felt God lead us anywhere. We are just hanging out in Limbo. Do you think this is why we are being punished? Sometimes I feel if I just plug myself in somewhere I won't be doing it whole-heartedly...Only just in vain to be rewarded. I have been feeling a little more distant from God. I know that I haven't been feeling him a whole lot lately, but I know somewhere, he is there.
My husband has been having a really hard time with his faith as well. He is having a hard time seeing God in this battle and feeling him near him. A lot of what he is feeling really truly breaks my heart because this is NOT my husband....however I know his heart. I know how he is feeling. This is something that we will have to work so hard together to get through.
This just sucks. Sorry for the monotonous posting about my depressing and empty soul, but this is my life right now, and it's important to me.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I just don't know where to start.
We just completed our 2nd IUI with a big. fat. negative.
It sucks so bad having to have blood work done to check to see if you arer pregnant and them say "I'm so sorry..."
UGH! Why is it that we were making so much progress since December, and now we have taken a million steps back? I don't get it. I'm so hurt and confused and just really lost.
We have decided to take some time off, and we are going to pray that God will lead us where we need to be. We have one more try at IUI before moving on to IVF.
Besides the expense of IVF, it's much more demanding medically, emotionally and really just having to be off of work. Did you know with the egg retrieval you have SURGERY!? ACK!
I know that God's hand is in all of this and He has already planned everything out for us, and if/when we do get pregnant with our own biological child, it will only make us love and appreciate him/her more. They say that people who face infertility have a different kind of love towards their children...idk.
Well, this is pretty much all I have to say and to be quite honest, this is pretty much all I wanna say.
We just completed our 2nd IUI with a big. fat. negative.
It sucks so bad having to have blood work done to check to see if you arer pregnant and them say "I'm so sorry..."
UGH! Why is it that we were making so much progress since December, and now we have taken a million steps back? I don't get it. I'm so hurt and confused and just really lost.
We have decided to take some time off, and we are going to pray that God will lead us where we need to be. We have one more try at IUI before moving on to IVF.
Besides the expense of IVF, it's much more demanding medically, emotionally and really just having to be off of work. Did you know with the egg retrieval you have SURGERY!? ACK!
I know that God's hand is in all of this and He has already planned everything out for us, and if/when we do get pregnant with our own biological child, it will only make us love and appreciate him/her more. They say that people who face infertility have a different kind of love towards their children...idk.
Well, this is pretty much all I have to say and to be quite honest, this is pretty much all I wanna say.
Monday, June 20, 2011
A Great Day to Make a Baby!
Well, today was an excellent day! We headed off to Lubbock around 11:15 or so, and stopped through McDonalds and grabbed lunch. J and I chatted all the way about his new worktruck, work, my mom's 60th birthday party and various things. I also had some time to read a few chapters of Pioneer Woman's memoir (which is fabulous, by the way!).
Our first appointment was at 1:00 for J to do his thing in the "fun room" at the lab. After that, we had to wait an hour before heading to one of my favorite places of all times: Dr Phy! Seriously, I get soooo super excited when I have an appointment! It's like when I have an appointment for a pedicure or a massage or facial. I seriously cannot wait to get in there and see what is going on! I LOVE those ladies! Each one at that office is soooo sweet and so caring and I just LOVE arriving there and chatting with them! Come to find out, 2 of them are avid scrapbookers! SCORE! Must be fate for me to be there, right??
Well, we had to get some papers from the medical billing and such for my Aflac claim from my surgery in March, so that pretty took up the hour wait. So, we drove to the other side of the hospital to go downstairs to the garden level (basement level all fancied up...) as I have numerous times in the last 6 months. We were greeted by the super sweet women and waited about 10 minutes for it to be our turn. Jeremy and I took turns playing Angry Birds on my new Nook Color....Then Katy came to the door and greeted us and called us back. She told us that J's sample hadn't yet made it back from the lab, so she allowed us to wait in the room. We waited about 5-10 more minutes.
Then Katy and Alicia came in together, one with the catheter containing the magical potion for my future children...hopefully. (haha.) Alicia then informed me that she was needing some practice with ultrasounds during an IVF procedure that was coming up, and asked if she could do an ultrasound of the IUI process. I said sure, and we went on with the show.
Now, I will tell you guys (well, girls mainly....I don't know any guys that read this, INCLUDING my dear husband!) that the process really sucks. Just imagine you are getting your yearly pap smear, but you have a catheter inserted into your uterus. It's awful. Your cervix does NOT like foreign objects, so it makes you cramp. Like crazy. I have to sit there and wait for the cramping to stop before we can proceed. We had to do this 3 times. (This is because the cramping can expel the swimmers...) Anyways, enough with the icky stuff! We saw the catheter on the screen and watched the little fellas (as Jeremy calls them) swim towards my falloppian tubs. It was amazing! I was soooo excited to see the possibility of one of those swimmers finding my egg.
I have not had ANY cramping from ovulation (and I do EVERY time, as I'm usually on some sort of med to induce it, so it is a little bit more powerful ovulation than normal ovulation...so It's usually very painful...). 30 minutes after the IUI procedure, I had a sudden surge of the painful surges. I knew exactly what it was. I have traveled this road a few times before, so there was no mistaking what this was! This is AMAZING because it gives us a much higher chance of conceiving. We have to wait until July 5th to see whether or not this procedure worked. I know that this is all in God's hands and whether or not it works is up to Him. And I'm okay with it. He's got this under control!
Our first appointment was at 1:00 for J to do his thing in the "fun room" at the lab. After that, we had to wait an hour before heading to one of my favorite places of all times: Dr Phy! Seriously, I get soooo super excited when I have an appointment! It's like when I have an appointment for a pedicure or a massage or facial. I seriously cannot wait to get in there and see what is going on! I LOVE those ladies! Each one at that office is soooo sweet and so caring and I just LOVE arriving there and chatting with them! Come to find out, 2 of them are avid scrapbookers! SCORE! Must be fate for me to be there, right??
Well, we had to get some papers from the medical billing and such for my Aflac claim from my surgery in March, so that pretty took up the hour wait. So, we drove to the other side of the hospital to go downstairs to the garden level (basement level all fancied up...) as I have numerous times in the last 6 months. We were greeted by the super sweet women and waited about 10 minutes for it to be our turn. Jeremy and I took turns playing Angry Birds on my new Nook Color....Then Katy came to the door and greeted us and called us back. She told us that J's sample hadn't yet made it back from the lab, so she allowed us to wait in the room. We waited about 5-10 more minutes.
Then Katy and Alicia came in together, one with the catheter containing the magical potion for my future children...hopefully. (haha.) Alicia then informed me that she was needing some practice with ultrasounds during an IVF procedure that was coming up, and asked if she could do an ultrasound of the IUI process. I said sure, and we went on with the show.
Now, I will tell you guys (well, girls mainly....I don't know any guys that read this, INCLUDING my dear husband!) that the process really sucks. Just imagine you are getting your yearly pap smear, but you have a catheter inserted into your uterus. It's awful. Your cervix does NOT like foreign objects, so it makes you cramp. Like crazy. I have to sit there and wait for the cramping to stop before we can proceed. We had to do this 3 times. (This is because the cramping can expel the swimmers...) Anyways, enough with the icky stuff! We saw the catheter on the screen and watched the little fellas (as Jeremy calls them) swim towards my falloppian tubs. It was amazing! I was soooo excited to see the possibility of one of those swimmers finding my egg.
I have not had ANY cramping from ovulation (and I do EVERY time, as I'm usually on some sort of med to induce it, so it is a little bit more powerful ovulation than normal ovulation...so It's usually very painful...). 30 minutes after the IUI procedure, I had a sudden surge of the painful surges. I knew exactly what it was. I have traveled this road a few times before, so there was no mistaking what this was! This is AMAZING because it gives us a much higher chance of conceiving. We have to wait until July 5th to see whether or not this procedure worked. I know that this is all in God's hands and whether or not it works is up to Him. And I'm okay with it. He's got this under control!
Monday, June 13, 2011
venting
You know, I realllly should probably just keep my mouth shut, but isn't the point of this blog to share my heart? To share my struggles and my heart ache?
I'm having a really hard time today. I found out some stuff about my dad (who passed away 10 years ago) that I never new and I'm seriously really upset. I'm mad, honestly. I'm mad I was never told he was in the hospital for almost a week. I'm mad that I was never invited to his wedding, only got an announcement after he was marriend....I'm really just mad....Is it okay for me to be mad? Yes, but a friend shared some scripture with me that I desperatley needed to read.
So, the Bible tells me, it's okay to be angry, but don't act out in anger. The act of anger is a product of Satan and I need to give my anger to God. I need to let Him handle this.
Here lately, I've been getting my feelings hurt about my struggle with infertility. I'm gonna lay this on pretty dang thick, and I may soon regret saying this, but it needs to be said.
Infertility SUCKS. Seriously. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through and for those of you who have shared the following tips with me, you really need to just flat out shut your face:
And if you feel you have to walk on egg shells around me, because you are afraid to hurt my feelings, then you are most likely better off not even coming around me. I know what you are doing and how you are thinking about me. Either talk to me as a grown up and be considerate of my feelings, or don't talk to me at all. Simple as that.
Or if you don't know what to say to me, just ask how I'm doing. That shows that you are concerned with how I am actually feeling at that moment.
This is soooo emotionally and physically draining and I am sooo tired of feeling like I have to cater to everyones emotions because I feel selfish for being upset and down some days because I can't have a baby. Call me a drama queen. Call me selfish. Call me whatever. You deal with it and see how long you can keep these feelings in. Especially when you have practially NO ONE to talk to that knows what you are going through!
It has been the longest 5 years of my life and I thank my God for the sobering wake up call. I am trying to live my life the best I can to serve Him. I will raise a child in a Christian home and will dedicate him or her to the Lord. I'm so sorry in advance for any hurt feelings that this blog may cause, but I am entitled to feel this way. I don't have to keep this in. I'm seriously so tired of lashing out at Jeremy when I get my feelings hurt....It's not his fault...So, I'm just gonna leave them to God and let Him handle them and enjoy my husband! We will be celebrating 6 years of marriage (and 8 total years together) this Saturday!! WOO HOO!
I'm not sure what else I need to say or if there is anything else to say....
Oh..I guess we can discuss the IUI business...
Well, since IUI #1 didn't work, we went on to what we thought was gonna be IUI #2. Well, everything was going great...I did the 5 days of Clomid to induce ovulation, and then went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries and to see if any follicles had grown. (Follicles are the home of possible eggs...They have to grow to 18 -20 mm to be released). Well, Katy, the new-ish RN did the ultrasound and there were two follicles about 14 mm on each side..What we both thought were follicles that were too small, decided to come back in a couple of days....Dr Phy had just came in (thankfully! I love Katy, but she is still learning, like me!!) and looked at the pictures. She decided that she wanted to do another internal ultrasound. So, she looked a bit and decided that those two follicles had actually already ruptured (which explains my cramping the day before....), and the follicles were now empty sacs....
DANG IT! So, my body ovulated a few days early. CRAP! This is all I could think....Then she said "This could be our answer!" I could just be ovulating early. This whole baby making business is sooo much about timing it's insane..."NORMAL" people ovulate around 13-15 days into the cycle. I'm ovulating like 9-10 days into it....Does that make a difference? You bet your sweet boots it does! Spermies will live about 3 days or so on average....So, needless to say, we crossed our fingers and toesies and prayed that this would be our miracle cycle, naturally. Cause how cool would that be? haha!
And it didn't work. I had NO fears. No doubt. NO sorrow. I'm seriously okay with it. I'm so excited to know what is going on! I'm on a new fertility inducing medicine, Femara. I have been on the Clomid too long and it isn't great for your body...Well, the main use for Femara is to treat breast cancer after menopause...Hmmm...If I didn't trust Dr Phy and all of the boards on the Bump that have millions of women successfully using it, then I wouldn't touch it.
We are a few days into my 5 day cycle, and I have to take these ovulation predictor kits (OPK's):
I'm having a really hard time today. I found out some stuff about my dad (who passed away 10 years ago) that I never new and I'm seriously really upset. I'm mad, honestly. I'm mad I was never told he was in the hospital for almost a week. I'm mad that I was never invited to his wedding, only got an announcement after he was marriend....I'm really just mad....Is it okay for me to be mad? Yes, but a friend shared some scripture with me that I desperatley needed to read.
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger
So, the Bible tells me, it's okay to be angry, but don't act out in anger. The act of anger is a product of Satan and I need to give my anger to God. I need to let Him handle this.
Here lately, I've been getting my feelings hurt about my struggle with infertility. I'm gonna lay this on pretty dang thick, and I may soon regret saying this, but it needs to be said.
Infertility SUCKS. Seriously. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through and for those of you who have shared the following tips with me, you really need to just flat out shut your face:
- Just get over it.
- I hope your child isn't like mine.
- You can take mine for a day, then you'd change your mind.
- Maybe it's not meant to be.
- You need to slow down and take care of yourself.
- If you would just stop thinking about it, it may happen.
- God may have other plans for you.
- What if you are meant to adopt?
And if you feel you have to walk on egg shells around me, because you are afraid to hurt my feelings, then you are most likely better off not even coming around me. I know what you are doing and how you are thinking about me. Either talk to me as a grown up and be considerate of my feelings, or don't talk to me at all. Simple as that.
Or if you don't know what to say to me, just ask how I'm doing. That shows that you are concerned with how I am actually feeling at that moment.
This is soooo emotionally and physically draining and I am sooo tired of feeling like I have to cater to everyones emotions because I feel selfish for being upset and down some days because I can't have a baby. Call me a drama queen. Call me selfish. Call me whatever. You deal with it and see how long you can keep these feelings in. Especially when you have practially NO ONE to talk to that knows what you are going through!
It has been the longest 5 years of my life and I thank my God for the sobering wake up call. I am trying to live my life the best I can to serve Him. I will raise a child in a Christian home and will dedicate him or her to the Lord. I'm so sorry in advance for any hurt feelings that this blog may cause, but I am entitled to feel this way. I don't have to keep this in. I'm seriously so tired of lashing out at Jeremy when I get my feelings hurt....It's not his fault...So, I'm just gonna leave them to God and let Him handle them and enjoy my husband! We will be celebrating 6 years of marriage (and 8 total years together) this Saturday!! WOO HOO!
I'm not sure what else I need to say or if there is anything else to say....
Oh..I guess we can discuss the IUI business...
Well, since IUI #1 didn't work, we went on to what we thought was gonna be IUI #2. Well, everything was going great...I did the 5 days of Clomid to induce ovulation, and then went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries and to see if any follicles had grown. (Follicles are the home of possible eggs...They have to grow to 18 -20 mm to be released). Well, Katy, the new-ish RN did the ultrasound and there were two follicles about 14 mm on each side..What we both thought were follicles that were too small, decided to come back in a couple of days....Dr Phy had just came in (thankfully! I love Katy, but she is still learning, like me!!) and looked at the pictures. She decided that she wanted to do another internal ultrasound. So, she looked a bit and decided that those two follicles had actually already ruptured (which explains my cramping the day before....), and the follicles were now empty sacs....
DANG IT! So, my body ovulated a few days early. CRAP! This is all I could think....Then she said "This could be our answer!" I could just be ovulating early. This whole baby making business is sooo much about timing it's insane..."NORMAL" people ovulate around 13-15 days into the cycle. I'm ovulating like 9-10 days into it....Does that make a difference? You bet your sweet boots it does! Spermies will live about 3 days or so on average....So, needless to say, we crossed our fingers and toesies and prayed that this would be our miracle cycle, naturally. Cause how cool would that be? haha!
And it didn't work. I had NO fears. No doubt. NO sorrow. I'm seriously okay with it. I'm so excited to know what is going on! I'm on a new fertility inducing medicine, Femara. I have been on the Clomid too long and it isn't great for your body...Well, the main use for Femara is to treat breast cancer after menopause...Hmmm...If I didn't trust Dr Phy and all of the boards on the Bump that have millions of women successfully using it, then I wouldn't touch it.
We are a few days into my 5 day cycle, and I have to take these ovulation predictor kits (OPK's):
How cool are these? Dr Phy wanted me to use these line tests, but I don't like them...They are way confusing. Not like pregnancy tests, because you don't just look for two lines...The test line has to be darker than the control line. Too much thinking for me! Haha! These are simple. Smily face means LH surge (LH is the hormone that will cause a possible ovulation) and circle means no LH surge. So, hopefully we will get this figured out and get to Dr. Phy in time! Thank GOD I have such an understanding supervisor and boss that understand my short notice leave! They ROCK!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
