The Club

It finally hit me. I'm not in the club. I don't like being left out or rejected. I don't like being a loner. But, I'm not apart of this club. I'm not sure why I was left out but it really sucks.What is this club??


The Mommy Club.


I have just realized I have NO family or friends that aren't mommies. I'm a loner. I feel really left out and really abandoned.


I sometimes feel like people really don't wanna hang out with us because we don't have kids so we don't have anything in common anymore. We still like to go out every once in a while and go to a movie or whatever, but can't ask anyone to go with us because they all have babies and can't just drop them off. These things take time and planning. No more spur of the moment shopping trips, etc. No "play dates" with us because who the heck is their kid gonna play with? I know we aren't purposefully being excluded, however it feels like we have the plague and we are avoided at all possible occasions. And to be quite honest. I'm starting to avoid them too. It is so hard to watch them be so happy with their itty bitties. Don't get me wrong, I never once thought they didn't deserve the child they have. I am so grateful that they haven't had to battle this like us...(And the ones that have had to battle it and have won have a special place in my heart and you really truly know who you are!=)


It's lonesome being outside this club because when other club members are together, they have all sorts of things to talk about...But, I have nothing but a breaking heart. An empty womb that has never felt the kicks and hiccups of a life growing inside of me. I don't have any advice to give because how do I know? Sure, I work with kids, but it's not the same as having your own. I "know" my kids at work, but not like their momma's. It's really tough. Plus, what do they say to a barren soul? You can only sympathize for so long before you become depressed yourself! Then, you probably begin to try to avoid conversation with a barren. You don't really know what to say because you are afraid you will hurt their feelings or you really just don't have anything in common anymore.


I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going but I just needed to write.


I'm starting to feel really down about this IUI business. So it didn't work. Again. Big Deal, right? I've only dealt with this for 5 freaking years. Shouldn't I be used to this? Nope. It get's worse, folks. The longer I go with all of this the harder it gets. Each month I lose a little more faith. It's tough to keep the faith some days.


I sometimes feel I'm being punished. I don't go to church regularly, I don't tithe regularly, I am not actively involved in a church. I don't minister to others. So, is this what I'm doing wrong? I don't know where I should be in a church or what. I pray about it, but I haven't ever felt God lead us anywhere. We are just hanging out in Limbo. Do you think this is why we are being punished? Sometimes I feel if I just plug myself in somewhere I won't be doing it whole-heartedly...Only just in vain to be rewarded. I have been feeling a little more distant from God. I know that I haven't been feeling him a whole lot lately, but I know somewhere, he is there.


My husband has been having a really hard time with his faith as well. He is having a hard time seeing God in this battle and feeling him near him. A lot of what he is feeling really truly breaks my heart because this is NOT my husband....however I know his heart. I know how he is feeling. This is something that we will have to work so hard together to get through.


This just sucks. Sorry for the monotonous posting about my depressing and empty soul, but this is my life right now, and it's important to me.