I'm having a really hard time today. I found out some stuff about my dad (who passed away 10 years ago) that I never new and I'm seriously really upset. I'm mad, honestly. I'm mad I was never told he was in the hospital for almost a week. I'm mad that I was never invited to his wedding, only got an announcement after he was marriend....I'm really just mad....Is it okay for me to be mad? Yes, but a friend shared some scripture with me that I desperatley needed to read.
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger
So, the Bible tells me, it's okay to be angry, but don't act out in anger. The act of anger is a product of Satan and I need to give my anger to God. I need to let Him handle this.
Here lately, I've been getting my feelings hurt about my struggle with infertility. I'm gonna lay this on pretty dang thick, and I may soon regret saying this, but it needs to be said.
Infertility SUCKS. Seriously. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through and for those of you who have shared the following tips with me, you really need to just flat out shut your face:
- Just get over it.
- I hope your child isn't like mine.
- You can take mine for a day, then you'd change your mind.
- Maybe it's not meant to be.
- You need to slow down and take care of yourself.
- If you would just stop thinking about it, it may happen.
- God may have other plans for you.
- What if you are meant to adopt?
And if you feel you have to walk on egg shells around me, because you are afraid to hurt my feelings, then you are most likely better off not even coming around me. I know what you are doing and how you are thinking about me. Either talk to me as a grown up and be considerate of my feelings, or don't talk to me at all. Simple as that.
Or if you don't know what to say to me, just ask how I'm doing. That shows that you are concerned with how I am actually feeling at that moment.
This is soooo emotionally and physically draining and I am sooo tired of feeling like I have to cater to everyones emotions because I feel selfish for being upset and down some days because I can't have a baby. Call me a drama queen. Call me selfish. Call me whatever. You deal with it and see how long you can keep these feelings in. Especially when you have practially NO ONE to talk to that knows what you are going through!
It has been the longest 5 years of my life and I thank my God for the sobering wake up call. I am trying to live my life the best I can to serve Him. I will raise a child in a Christian home and will dedicate him or her to the Lord. I'm so sorry in advance for any hurt feelings that this blog may cause, but I am entitled to feel this way. I don't have to keep this in. I'm seriously so tired of lashing out at Jeremy when I get my feelings hurt....It's not his fault...So, I'm just gonna leave them to God and let Him handle them and enjoy my husband! We will be celebrating 6 years of marriage (and 8 total years together) this Saturday!! WOO HOO!
I'm not sure what else I need to say or if there is anything else to say....
Oh..I guess we can discuss the IUI business...
Well, since IUI #1 didn't work, we went on to what we thought was gonna be IUI #2. Well, everything was going great...I did the 5 days of Clomid to induce ovulation, and then went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries and to see if any follicles had grown. (Follicles are the home of possible eggs...They have to grow to 18 -20 mm to be released). Well, Katy, the new-ish RN did the ultrasound and there were two follicles about 14 mm on each side..What we both thought were follicles that were too small, decided to come back in a couple of days....Dr Phy had just came in (thankfully! I love Katy, but she is still learning, like me!!) and looked at the pictures. She decided that she wanted to do another internal ultrasound. So, she looked a bit and decided that those two follicles had actually already ruptured (which explains my cramping the day before....), and the follicles were now empty sacs....
DANG IT! So, my body ovulated a few days early. CRAP! This is all I could think....Then she said "This could be our answer!" I could just be ovulating early. This whole baby making business is sooo much about timing it's insane..."NORMAL" people ovulate around 13-15 days into the cycle. I'm ovulating like 9-10 days into it....Does that make a difference? You bet your sweet boots it does! Spermies will live about 3 days or so on average....So, needless to say, we crossed our fingers and toesies and prayed that this would be our miracle cycle, naturally. Cause how cool would that be? haha!
And it didn't work. I had NO fears. No doubt. NO sorrow. I'm seriously okay with it. I'm so excited to know what is going on! I'm on a new fertility inducing medicine, Femara. I have been on the Clomid too long and it isn't great for your body...Well, the main use for Femara is to treat breast cancer after menopause...Hmmm...If I didn't trust Dr Phy and all of the boards on the Bump that have millions of women successfully using it, then I wouldn't touch it.
We are a few days into my 5 day cycle, and I have to take these ovulation predictor kits (OPK's):
How cool are these? Dr Phy wanted me to use these line tests, but I don't like them...They are way confusing. Not like pregnancy tests, because you don't just look for two lines...The test line has to be darker than the control line. Too much thinking for me! Haha! These are simple. Smily face means LH surge (LH is the hormone that will cause a possible ovulation) and circle means no LH surge. So, hopefully we will get this figured out and get to Dr. Phy in time! Thank GOD I have such an understanding supervisor and boss that understand my short notice leave! They ROCK!
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