Why do I do this?

No one has really directly asked me why I am so open and candid about our journey through infertility. However, I have 2 reasons.

1. For me to be able to cope with all of the emotions that I struggle with and empty my feelings and remind myself of why we are doing this and why God will never fail us.

     2.  For the silent sufferers.

The latter one was just brought to my attention about a week ago. I remember being the silent sufferer that had no one to turn to, no one who understood my pain and no one who truly just "got it". I turned to message boards that offered empty hope and little spiritual hope and growth and a mainly lot of snarky comments. I just had to eventually wean myself away from that addiction. I started blogging and it feels really good. I have turned to scripture more often times than not and I really like that about myself.

 I know of a couple of girls who have came to me just to have someone to vent to, and you know, I think this is God's plan for me. Or part of it, at least. In scripture, He tells us that God gives us our circumstances and paths so that we may grow from it and will better help others who are suffering.

Infertility is so complex. There are so many different stages of grief in dealing with infertility, and once you pass through one stage, you aren't guaranteed to not return to it. There is a lot of denial, depression, guilt, hope, and more.

Although my ranting/raving/whatever may not be you guys's favorite thing to read, but it does offer the true emotions of this journey. It's tough, y'all. Not gonna lie. But, I am truly so so so thankful that He chose me to travel this road. WHOAH. Did I just say that?? Yep. I am. Being able to help so many other women that deal with this battle makes it all worth the while. And being able to grow so close to God is the most amazing thing out of all of this.

Tweaked IUI Cycle

Today was my baseline ultrasound day! It was very good morning! I was so excited to see Dr Phy and her staff, since it had been since June when we were last there. They truly are like family to us!

My ovaries looked wonderful and I still have a beautiful uterus! =) I did have a couple of 10 mm follicles, but Alicia (my fave nurse) said they are probably residual follicles from last cycle and as long as they were under 15 mm, I could go forward with the IUI cycle.

Instead of taking the Femara (ovulation induction med) on days 3-7, I will now take it on days 5-9. Dr Phy feels that my body isn't letting my uterine lining thicken quite enough. It has been aroud 6 (mm or cm? why can't I remember?? ack!) anways and it needs to be around 9 for implantation. So, this should help.

Then, on day 10 she added a new drug: Bravera. It's a shot that I will take as soon as I wake up on day 10. It will also help to induce ovulation. Nope. Doesn't increase my risk of multiples for you that are wondering! =)

Day 11 I go in at 8:30 in the morning for another ultrasound to see if the follicles are the right size that they should be (18-22 mm). If so, I will "trigger"that night with the Ovidrel that will release the egg. 36 hours later, we go back to be inseminated. I have to take the rest of the day off to rest and relax. Hermleigh's homecoming is that night, so I gotta rest up real good so I can root on those Cardinals!

I will then be on the progesterone for 2 weeks and go for a blood pregnancy test.

God willing, we will get much better results from this cycle than the previous ones! =)

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and please don't stop!!!

We're goooooin' to the doctor and we're gonnnnaaa make a ba-a-by....

Well, we're gonna try to make one, at least! haha! (How many of you caught on to my little tune?!)

Anyways, after Jeremy and I sat down with his parents last night, I got to vent to them about what was going through our minds. I LOVE talking to Jeremy's dad about stuff like this...He is so good about helping me to make better choices and to decide on things. He honestly is the dad I never had. Sadly, but true. (We don't even have time to go into that). It's still weird to me because I never knew what it was like to have a dad to go to, so I'm not sure how all this works most days. haha!

But anyways, we have decided to go back to Dr. Phy and try the IUI one last time. We will set up an IVF consult with her and discuss the process to see if it something that we might consider or not. If it is as iffy as I feel it to be, we will begin the adoption process. I was reading in my new book today and the question arised: Do you just want to be biological parents or do you want to be parents? And J and I decided we want to be parents, however God choses us to be. I know that adoption can be scary, because you will never know what type of child you will be placed with, but I do know that as long as we go in this with God on our side, we will have the perfect child for us. We don't care about race or gender ( I want a boy, though!!!) or if the child has special needs. We want to be able to raise a child in honor of the Lord and teach him (okay...or her...lol!) His ways. I want to have a child that has both a mom and a dad at home and they are God-fearing parents. I don't want my child to live in the same shoes I lived in. I never knew when I would see my dad. I remember the years of physical violence. I do know that my child will grow up in a house of love. (I'm not saying that I wasn't loved, but children don't need to see that! I'm a product of that and it's not fun living with it now!)

We already have an adoption agency picked out and it's called Faithful Adoption Consultants. They helped Jeremy's cousin and are the most amazing people I think I've met. They became clients August 1st and sweet Piper was born on September 1st. She is hanging out in Florida in the NICU until she is healthy enough to come home.

So, please please continue to pray that the Lord will bless us with or without a child. I have felt His hand in all of this and I know He is still by my side!

My ways are not your ways....

Isaiah 55:8 states this:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"

Declares the Lord.

Well, within the next week, we will hopefully have a road to travel on. We have taken the last 3 months off from IUI's and doctor visits to recoup emotionally and physically. I went to Mardels today to get a gift for a friend's teenage daughter and ended up buying myself a book too. I needed to find a book that has scripture and God's word to describe God's plan for us during this battle with infertility. I asked the young college boy if he had any books on infertility and honestly, I think I embarrassed the poor kid! Anyways, I found this book:

So far it is really good. I'm only about 40 pages into it. It is a companion book you are supposed to read with your partner. My husband doesn't read. haha! So, I just tell him the keypoints and scripture and leave it there! On the way home, I asked him if he had any idea of any sort of plan for us. We had been so sure all along the way since my surgery that we would go forth with the IUI's. Well, we just figured since I had the surgery to remove the septum and then the endometriosis we found out I had after the surgery that I would just be magically fixed and that we would just get pregnant the first time trying. Wrong. 1 natural cycle and 2 IUI's and 3 medicated natural cycles later, we still aren't pregnant. Why? I don't know. HE does. I am such a planner and NEED to take control of my life. But as the scripture so states, His plans aren't mine. Jeremy asked if I thought that maybe we were going down this road without His direction but ours. I honestly don't think we are. I know he gave us both the desire to be parents and we prayerfully made the decision to seek further help from Dr. Phy. But this little break has caused us to really think. We have prayed much lately about His plan and to show us if this is still His plan and not ours. He knows my desires and He knows my heart. I just need Him to  give me guidance as to what step to take next. 

We also discussed the Mack-Daddy of infertility treatments: IVF. In-Vitro Fertilization. We both have mixed feelings about this. We are planning to call our Dr and get a consult with her to discuss this process. From what I have read online and in books, it's rather complicated. IF you have good quality eggs retracted during a MINOR surgery-type procedure, they are then fertilized. Only a certain % will fertilize. What if you have more than 2 (the max amount she will implant in the uterus) embryos? How do you pick which ones that go in? Who does that? What do they do with the ones that are left? I know they could be frozen, but is that the embryo or is it the egg? We have decided that if it's the embryo that is either frozen or to be tossed out, we aren't going through with IVF ever. I know that God gave the doctors the knowledge and ability to do this type of advanced therapy, however, I don't want to mess with God's divine purpose. 

We also discussed adoption. How would we pick? Would we just let God surprise us? Do we want a multiracial child (we aren't racist at all what-so-ever, it's honestly an option we would have to decide on)...What if that child has special needs? Would we be equipped to care for that child?

My father-in-law always states to never worry about anything until you have something to worry about, then don't worry about it and give it to God. It's SO true, but it's been so hard when I have been asking for guidance and direction and I haven't been given a clear answer.

So, pray much for us that we will go forward if it HIS will and not our own. Also please pray that if it isn't His will, that we will have the peace that passes all understanding. 

What's Next?

Who the heck knows!

Haha! When we went on vacation in July, we shared with Dr. Phy that we wanted to take some time off from the IUI's (I know, we've only done 2...but it's just been emotionally and physically draining since December and since the surgery in March and we just really needed a break...). She gave me 3 months of Femara (what helps my body to ovulate...) and told us to take as much time as we needed, but at the end of the 3 months, we needed to decide if want to continue with our last IUI or go on to IVFor if we just wanted to try on our own without any medication. It has been extremely peaceful.

Most days.

I am beginning to feel content with our lives just as we are. This is so hard, I'm not gonna lie. When I begin to get "baby fever" or a green streak starts to show up, all I can do is pray and ask God to please help me be content. I found this quote on Pinterest the other day, and I LOVE it! I have to constantly remind myself that although we are in the middle of the battle and this is a very hard and exhausting fight, that we wouldn't be here if it wasn't in His plan. And with that, I continue to ask him to show us His plan and to help us leave this path if this isn't what His plan is for us right now.



Although my arms and our extra room may be emtpy and longing to hold a child of our own, God is working with me on filling my heart with His love. I need Him to show me what He wants me to be and to lead me in the direction that I should go.

I don't know if I will ever give birth to a child of my own, but I would like to think that God does in fact have a child in store for us somewhere.

We don't know what path to take and need some prayers of guidance right now. We don't want to jump into something that isn't His plan for us. I want to do what He is leading me to do. I am not ready to give up fighting for pregnancy, but I want that to be His will. It is so hard for me to not just give up and try to take control of my fertility on my own. I KNOW I have to take the medication to make me ovulate, but what do we do? Do we proceed with the last IUI and see where that takes us or do we go straight to IVF? Where the $12-$20k we could use to adopt a child.

I DON'T KNOW. And this is hard. But He does. And I have to put all of my trust in Him and not halfheartedly.

Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that: "I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

What this tells me is to LET GO and let Him handle this! He is already there and knows my future. Which His plans are so much better than ours. He isn't gonna lead me down a path of failure and hurt (He just has to show me the right path...Or I might just slip that way...)

The Club

It finally hit me. I'm not in the club. I don't like being left out or rejected. I don't like being a loner. But, I'm not apart of this club. I'm not sure why I was left out but it really sucks.What is this club??


The Mommy Club.


I have just realized I have NO family or friends that aren't mommies. I'm a loner. I feel really left out and really abandoned.


I sometimes feel like people really don't wanna hang out with us because we don't have kids so we don't have anything in common anymore. We still like to go out every once in a while and go to a movie or whatever, but can't ask anyone to go with us because they all have babies and can't just drop them off. These things take time and planning. No more spur of the moment shopping trips, etc. No "play dates" with us because who the heck is their kid gonna play with? I know we aren't purposefully being excluded, however it feels like we have the plague and we are avoided at all possible occasions. And to be quite honest. I'm starting to avoid them too. It is so hard to watch them be so happy with their itty bitties. Don't get me wrong, I never once thought they didn't deserve the child they have. I am so grateful that they haven't had to battle this like us...(And the ones that have had to battle it and have won have a special place in my heart and you really truly know who you are!=)


It's lonesome being outside this club because when other club members are together, they have all sorts of things to talk about...But, I have nothing but a breaking heart. An empty womb that has never felt the kicks and hiccups of a life growing inside of me. I don't have any advice to give because how do I know? Sure, I work with kids, but it's not the same as having your own. I "know" my kids at work, but not like their momma's. It's really tough. Plus, what do they say to a barren soul? You can only sympathize for so long before you become depressed yourself! Then, you probably begin to try to avoid conversation with a barren. You don't really know what to say because you are afraid you will hurt their feelings or you really just don't have anything in common anymore.


I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going but I just needed to write.


I'm starting to feel really down about this IUI business. So it didn't work. Again. Big Deal, right? I've only dealt with this for 5 freaking years. Shouldn't I be used to this? Nope. It get's worse, folks. The longer I go with all of this the harder it gets. Each month I lose a little more faith. It's tough to keep the faith some days.


I sometimes feel I'm being punished. I don't go to church regularly, I don't tithe regularly, I am not actively involved in a church. I don't minister to others. So, is this what I'm doing wrong? I don't know where I should be in a church or what. I pray about it, but I haven't ever felt God lead us anywhere. We are just hanging out in Limbo. Do you think this is why we are being punished? Sometimes I feel if I just plug myself in somewhere I won't be doing it whole-heartedly...Only just in vain to be rewarded. I have been feeling a little more distant from God. I know that I haven't been feeling him a whole lot lately, but I know somewhere, he is there.


My husband has been having a really hard time with his faith as well. He is having a hard time seeing God in this battle and feeling him near him. A lot of what he is feeling really truly breaks my heart because this is NOT my husband....however I know his heart. I know how he is feeling. This is something that we will have to work so hard together to get through.


This just sucks. Sorry for the monotonous posting about my depressing and empty soul, but this is my life right now, and it's important to me.

I just don't know where to start.

We just completed our 2nd IUI with a big. fat. negative.

It sucks so bad having to have blood work done to check to see if you arer pregnant and them say "I'm so sorry..."

UGH! Why is it that we were making so much progress since December, and now we have taken a million steps back? I don't get it. I'm so hurt and confused and just really lost.

We have decided to take some time off, and we are going to pray that God will lead us where we need to be. We have one more try at IUI before moving on to IVF.

Besides the expense of IVF, it's much more demanding medically, emotionally and really just having to be off of work. Did you know with the egg retrieval you have SURGERY!? ACK!

I know that God's hand is in all of this and He has already planned everything out for us, and if/when we do get pregnant with our own biological child, it will only make us love and appreciate him/her more. They say that people who face infertility have a different kind of love towards their children...idk.

Well, this is pretty much all I have to say and to be quite honest, this is pretty much all I wanna say.