A Great Day to Make a Baby!

Well, today was an excellent day! We headed off to Lubbock around 11:15 or so, and stopped through McDonalds and grabbed lunch. J and I chatted all the way about his new worktruck, work, my mom's 60th birthday party and various things. I also had some time to read a few chapters of Pioneer Woman's memoir (which is fabulous, by the way!).

Our first appointment was at 1:00 for J to do his thing in the "fun room" at the lab. After that, we had to wait an hour before heading to one of my favorite places of all times: Dr Phy! Seriously, I get soooo super excited when I have an appointment! It's like when I have an appointment for a pedicure or a massage or facial. I seriously cannot wait to get in there and see what is going on! I LOVE those ladies! Each one at that office is soooo sweet and so caring and I just LOVE arriving there and chatting with them! Come to find out, 2 of them are avid scrapbookers! SCORE! Must be fate for me to be there, right??

Well, we had to get some papers from the medical billing and such for my Aflac claim from my surgery in March, so that pretty took up the hour wait. So, we drove to the other side of the hospital to go downstairs to the garden level (basement level all fancied up...) as I have numerous times in the last 6 months. We were greeted by the super sweet women and waited about 10 minutes for it to be our turn. Jeremy and I took turns playing Angry Birds on my new Nook Color....Then Katy came to the door and greeted us and called us back. She told us that J's sample hadn't yet made it back from the lab, so she allowed us to wait in the room. We waited about 5-10 more minutes.

Then Katy and Alicia came in together, one with the catheter containing the magical potion for my future children...hopefully. (haha.) Alicia then informed me that she was needing some practice with ultrasounds during an IVF procedure that was coming up, and asked if she could do an ultrasound of the IUI process. I said sure, and we went on with the show.

Now, I will tell you guys (well, girls mainly....I don't know any guys that read this, INCLUDING my dear husband!) that the process really sucks. Just imagine you are getting your yearly pap smear, but you have a catheter inserted into your uterus. It's awful. Your cervix does NOT like foreign objects, so it makes you cramp. Like crazy. I have to sit there and wait for the cramping to stop before we can proceed. We had to do this 3 times. (This is because the cramping can expel the swimmers...) Anyways, enough with the icky stuff! We saw the catheter on the screen and watched the little fellas (as Jeremy calls them) swim towards my falloppian tubs. It was amazing! I was soooo excited to see the possibility of one of those swimmers finding my egg.

I have not had ANY cramping from ovulation (and I do EVERY time, as I'm usually on some sort of med to induce it, so it is a little bit more powerful ovulation than normal ovulation...so It's usually very painful...). 30 minutes after the IUI procedure, I had a sudden surge of the painful surges. I knew exactly what it was. I have traveled this road a few times before, so there was no mistaking what this was! This is AMAZING because it gives us a much higher chance of conceiving. We have to wait until July 5th to see whether or not this procedure worked. I know that this is all in God's hands and whether or not it works is up to Him. And I'm okay with it. He's got this under control!

venting

You know, I realllly should probably just keep my mouth shut, but isn't the point of this blog to share my heart? To share my struggles and my heart ache?

I'm having a really hard time today. I found out some stuff about my dad (who passed away 10 years ago) that I never new and I'm seriously really upset. I'm mad, honestly. I'm mad I was never told he was in the hospital for almost a week. I'm mad that I was never invited to his wedding, only got an announcement after he was marriend....I'm really just mad....Is it okay for me to be mad? Yes, but a friend shared some scripture with me that I desperatley needed to read.

Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger

So, the Bible tells me, it's okay to be angry, but don't act out in anger. The act of anger is a product of Satan and I need to give my anger to God. I need to let Him handle this.

Here lately, I've been getting my feelings hurt about my struggle with infertility. I'm gonna lay this on pretty dang thick, and I may soon regret saying this, but it needs to be said.

Infertility SUCKS. Seriously. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through and for those of you who have shared the following tips with me, you really need to just flat out shut your face:

• Just get over it.
• I hope your child isn't like mine.
• You can take mine for a day, then you'd change your mind.
• Maybe it's not meant to be.
• You need to slow down and take care of yourself.
• If you would just stop thinking about it, it may happen.
• God may have other plans for you.
• What if you are meant to adopt?

And for those of you who seem interested when asking about our journey and then space out and begin to talk about other things, please don't ask me how things are going if you really don't care. If you had any concern, then you would listen to what I have to say. I'm sorry it is really confusing to you, but if you dont wanna know the gory details of the shots, the IUI, the side effects of medicine, how it sucks that I have to plan sex with my husband, well then just don't ask.

And if you feel you have to walk on egg shells around me, because you are afraid to hurt my feelings, then you are most likely better off not even coming around me. I know what you are doing and how you are thinking about me. Either talk to me as a grown up and be considerate of my feelings, or don't talk to me at all. Simple as that.

Or if you don't know what to say to me, just ask how I'm doing. That shows that you are concerned with how I am actually feeling at that moment.

This is soooo emotionally and physically draining and I am sooo tired of feeling like I have to cater to everyones emotions because I feel selfish for being upset and down some days because I can't have a baby. Call me a drama queen. Call me selfish. Call me whatever. You deal with it and see how long you  can keep these feelings in. Especially when you have practially NO ONE to talk to that knows what you are going through!

It has been the longest 5 years of my life and I thank my God for the sobering wake up call. I am trying to live my life the best I can to serve Him. I will raise a child in a Christian home and will dedicate him or her to the Lord. I'm so sorry in advance for any hurt feelings that this blog may cause, but I am entitled to feel this way. I don't have to keep this in. I'm seriously so tired of lashing out at Jeremy when I get my feelings hurt....It's not his fault...So, I'm just gonna leave them to God and let Him handle them and enjoy my husband! We will be celebrating 6 years of marriage (and 8 total years together) this Saturday!! WOO HOO!

I'm not sure what else I need to say or if there is anything else to say....

Oh..I guess we  can discuss the IUI business...

Well, since IUI #1 didn't work, we went on to what we thought was gonna be IUI #2. Well, everything was going great...I did the 5 days of Clomid to induce ovulation, and then went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries and to see if any follicles had grown. (Follicles are the home of possible eggs...They have to grow to 18 -20 mm to be released). Well, Katy, the new-ish RN did the ultrasound and there were two follicles about 14 mm on each side..What we both thought were follicles that were too small, decided to come back in a couple of days....Dr Phy had just came in (thankfully! I love Katy, but she is still learning, like me!!) and looked at the pictures. She decided that she wanted to do another internal ultrasound. So, she looked a bit and decided that those two follicles  had actually already ruptured (which explains my cramping the day before....), and the follicles were now empty sacs....

DANG IT! So, my body ovulated a few days early. CRAP! This is all I could think....Then she said "This could be our answer!" I could just be ovulating early. This whole baby making business is sooo much about timing it's insane..."NORMAL" people ovulate around 13-15 days into the cycle. I'm ovulating like 9-10 days into it....Does that make a difference? You bet your sweet boots it does! Spermies will live about 3 days or so on average....So,  needless to say, we crossed our fingers and toesies and prayed that this would be our miracle cycle, naturally. Cause how cool would that be? haha!

And it didn't work. I had NO fears. No doubt. NO sorrow. I'm seriously okay with it. I'm so excited to know what is going on! I'm on a new fertility inducing medicine, Femara. I have been on the Clomid too long and it isn't great for your body...Well, the main use for Femara is to treat breast cancer after menopause...Hmmm...If I didn't trust Dr Phy and all of the boards on the Bump that have millions of women successfully using it, then I wouldn't touch it.

We are a few days into my 5 day cycle, and I have to take these ovulation predictor kits (OPK's):



 How cool are these? Dr Phy wanted me to use these line tests, but I don't like them...They are way confusing. Not like pregnancy tests, because you don't just look for two lines...The test line has to be darker than the control line. Too much thinking for me! Haha! These are simple. Smily face means LH surge (LH is the hormone that will cause a possible ovulation) and circle means no LH surge. So, hopefully we will get this figured out and get to Dr. Phy in time! Thank GOD I have such an understanding supervisor and boss that understand my short notice leave! They ROCK!

The Wait...

Well, as some of you know, and for those that don't, we have completed our first IUI cycle. It didn't work. I have been mad, depressed, sad, just an array of emotions this weekend. I have also been blessed. I never thought I'd be okay with the fact it didn't work. I wanted it to work so bad. I had all these plans, all these ideas....

They weren't His.

There I went again not focusing my life on living daily for HIM! He has promised me the desires of my heart, but I gotta put my whole heart into my faith. Not just a little at a time or when I felt like it that day. I have to put my entire trust in His promise each and every day, when I'm having a bad day because of the fertility drugs, when I'm tired, when I'm having a great day. I need to PRAISE HIM for allowing us to have this experience. Many people would love to have the experience of having an IUI to have children, but are financially unable to. He loves me so much and doesn't cause pain upon my heart. He isn't inflicting the anger, the saddness. That is Satan trying to turn my praise into negativity. The thoughts of "Why? Why not me? What did I do wrong? What is so wrong with me? Don't you love me?" flooded my mind.

I will confess, the last two weeks, the dreaded 2-week-wait, I was in entire doubt the whole time. I just *knew* it didn't work. Nothing has ever worked, so why would this work?! Who am I kidding? Each day Jeremy talked to a "Phantom Baby" just like it was there. I thought he was ridiculous and often told him to quit because there isn't even a child in there. He had that FAITH that God would allow us to have a child. (**I secretly miss him talking to my tummy!**) He has been my rock during this trial, and he has helped me to see that I need to let go of the doubt and just have faith! I need to let God work beautifully in my life. So, we will continue to go forward in this journey, as I feel this is where we should be. But, I'm moving over to the passenger seat and gonna enjoy this ride. Who knows where He will take me??!

Psalm 130:5 

 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
   and in his word I put my hope.

IUI

Well, that is the game plan. What's an IUI  (Intra-Uterine Insemination) you ask? Click this linky HERE if you wanna know all the medical details. What it is not: it is not where they place your eggs and sperm in a "petri dish" and make a baby. That is IVF - In-Vitro Fertilization. And NO, my chances of multiples aren't increased because of this technique. The Clomid (to induce ovulation) does not increase my chances, either! A lot of people have that misconception that because we are taking fertility meds and are doing the IUI we will have twins, triplets or quads or even become like octo-mom! However, that isn't the case! If God decides to bless us with multiples, it is because it was HIS plan! *I secretly want twins!* Science has advanced so much that even with IVF, they are only implanting 1-2 embryo's in the uterus now, rather than the 3 or 4 like before. It's amazing how much things are changing! I love to read about the new advancements medicine is making regarding infertility!

This whole process of IUI really reminds me of when I was in high school and was involved in FFA. I remember having to help and watched numerous artificial inseminations on sows (girl pigs in lamens terms) and it was kinda icky and kinda cool, too!

Anyways, we are super excited to have a game plan! I know that God will give me the desires of my heart, because His word says so.

Also, y'all keep me in your prayers: I am going to see a specialist about being diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. I have always struggled with school, work, housework, any task that takes focusing and really am bad at procrastinating to the point where I have almost lost my job. This is very hard for me to talk about because it isn't something I'm very proud of, but I'm so ready for help! I was telling my co-teacher this morning when I try to think, my brain feels like a super-highway full of roads and bridges and intersections with cars zooming all over the place...I just want a slow-paced country road! If that makes sense!

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell & back for the chance to be a MOM"

This was one of those "repost" things on Facebook, and I generally don't do them, but this one hit home with me. We are in the midst of this horrible battle, and it has been a long 5 years! Even though we did the surgery to remove everything, are getting ready to go through our first IUI cycle, we still aren't guaranteed a baby. I had a breakdown last night (well, at midnight or so) when I realized that I still don't have any greater chance of conceiving. Part of me wants to not go through with the expensive IUI because what if it doesn't work? Then we are out all of that time of missed work, putting others in a bind, the financial burden will be tough, and then we would have to do it all over again. I'm not sure how much of this I can take emotionally anymore, either. I have prayed for peace regarding the choices we have to make, but still, I'm really confused. I know that God will provide the peace in His time and will allow us a chance to be parents in His time.

Some days are really starting to suck again. I have been "moping" more and crying more. I have been angry lately and really resentful. I hate that I've been doing this to myself, and I feel it's now time to get back on my knees and pray more. Satan has been doing a number on my spirit and just tearing me down. It's just really hard because this is the greatest desire of my heart and I just feel so empty inside. I think it's okay to feel this way sometimes, but I really need to get rid of it. This is not me anymore and this is not from the love of God.

Team Emmalyn!

Hey everyone! Here is the link to our March of Dimes page! We are in dire need of walkers and if you are interested, PLEASE let me or Jennifer Young know ASAP! The walk will be April 30th, in Abilene. It is only 3 miles. This is an amazing foundation who allowed my niece a chance at a healthy life after being born 10 weeks early and spending a  little over 5 weeks in the NICU at Abilene Regional (the best NICU in this area!)


Please consider joining this team or if God leads you to make a donation, you can do both on my website, listed below! Thank you for all of your help!

http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_dashboard.asp?w=4786384&si=04F920AA-1FDD-47B7-B1D6-06DDE87E888C&walk=company&u=emsaunt&ft=1

March for Emmalyn!

April 30th I will be participating in my first March of Dimes walk in Abilene!

I am so excited and so very humbled to be a part of this amazing foundation!

For who you ask? The answer is simple! This sweet, sweet face!

You see, this is my precious niece Emmalyn Kae! She is a miracle straight from God! She decided she needed to jump into this world 10 weeks early and surprise us all! It was a surprise infact! A scary, exciting, nervous, anxious and most definitly prayer filled journey through NICU and the first few months at home! She is amazing and growing so much and I'm so honored to be her AUNT! So, please keep this team that is forming in your thoughts and prayers, and if you felt led to help give to this foundation, a website is being formed and will be up soon and I will post it! There will be many fundraisers in honor of this walk, as well!

Such a tiny angel! God is so good!