.

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell & back for the chance to be a MOM"

This was one of those "repost" things on Facebook, and I generally don't do them, but this one hit home with me. We are in the midst of this horrible battle, and it has been a long 5 years! Even though we did the surgery to remove everything, are getting ready to go through our first IUI cycle, we still aren't guaranteed a baby. I had a breakdown last night (well, at midnight or so) when I realized that I still don't have any greater chance of conceiving. Part of me wants to not go through with the expensive IUI because what if it doesn't work? Then we are out all of that time of missed work, putting others in a bind, the financial burden will be tough, and then we would have to do it all over again. I'm not sure how much of this I can take emotionally anymore, either. I have prayed for peace regarding the choices we have to make, but still, I'm really confused. I know that God will provide the peace in His time and will allow us a chance to be parents in His time.

Some days are really starting to suck again. I have been "moping" more and crying more. I have been angry lately and really resentful. I hate that I've been doing this to myself, and I feel it's now time to get back on my knees and pray more. Satan has been doing a number on my spirit and just tearing me down. It's just really hard because this is the greatest desire of my heart and I just feel so empty inside. I think it's okay to feel this way sometimes, but I really need to get rid of it. This is not me anymore and this is not from the love of God.