The End

So, today was our Beta pregnancy test (blood). And it was negative. I have so many thoughts and emotions at this moment, but when I woke up this morning, I knew the answer. I knew it didn't work and I was filled with peace. God gave me this scripture as we left the hospital at 6:45 this morning and I am still filled with peace. Yes, I am pretty bummed out. It was a lot. A lot of shots, appointments, emotions. Just a lot.

When I started having spotting on Monday night, I had a feeling. God gives us intuition for a reason and I think it has helped me to be able to tolerate today a little more. I broke down that night/morning and cried for almost 2 hours straight. Yesterday it hit me again and I broke down and cried again. I drove straight to Jeremy's work and called him and told him I needed him. He held me for about 20 minutes and let me cry. I knew it was over. I didn't think 4 days ago that I would do IVF again, but I think we will. I am still not ready to look into adoption. God hasn't given me that desire, yet. I'm not ready to give up a baby of our own. (Please don't think I'm saying adopted babies are not your "own", but my heart is set on having a child that is half me and half Jeremy, and until God changes my heart, it will most likely always be that way.)

My plan is to take a few months off and work on losing 20-25 pounds. I know I can, I just NEED to do it. I need to do it for me and for our future baby. I am NOT healthy at all and I don't need to gain a lot of pregnancy weight. So, maybe this is His plan for me? I don't know, but it's what I need to do. So, continue to pray for us and we are so excited to start again in a few months! So, I need someone to PUSH me to lose this weight, any takers!?!

We are doing totally fine and I know it's because Christ lives in us. He gives us the peace that passes all understanding and that my yucky body and bad eggs will be perfected in Glory someday!