Let Go & Let God

I have heard this saying for quite some time now and have pretty much just realized the true meaning! I have been having a hard time letting go of the things we are unable to change here lately - more specifically: our infertility. I am a planner and I like things to fall in an orderly pattern. 


We always said we'd  wait about 5 years before starting a family, well we only made it one! Now, it's been four years with no pregnancies at all, and it has taken a toll on me physically, mentally & spiritually. I have been on fertility drugs, tracked my temperature every morning, counted cycle days, numerous amounts of blood drawn, a minor surgery to find out that I don't have any endometrial or blockage issues. That all is contained under the physical drainage. Mentally, I have myself convinced that I will be barren and will never have children. Spiritually, Satan has been doing his thing on me & it's time to let that go! I had myself convinced that I'm being punished for my past or actually the lack of Christian I should be. Because we haven't been going to church lately, I felt that he is punishing me more. I have now realized that God is not a creator of punishment! He created love! I know that my God loves me and is not causing me pain!  I know what all my God promises me and I pray to Him with all of my heart. I tell Him he knows the desires of my heart and he knows my hopes and dreams. I also tell Him that I trust Him to guide me in the way that I should go. 


Many people tell me "Just stop trying....Stop thinking about it....If it's meant to happen, it will..." Well, those are the people that NEVER had to wait 4+ years to get pregnant! I am actually very happy for those that don't have to go through this heartbreak! It is excruciating and is really hard on a marriage! I thank my God that He is the head of our household, because without Him, we probably wouldn't be making it through this! He has helped my husband and I become a stronger couple by us going through this. At times, I am frustrated with J because he IS man, and that is how God intended him to be, and he really just doesn't get it! Ladies - - men DON'T understand the emotional side of us! Nor will they ever! I had a breakdown Friday night on our way home from our best friend's house. I am not an ounce jealous that she is having her first within the next week! I am so excited for miss R to be here, but I do get jealous of the fact that I can't feel what she is feeling! I don't care how sick I will be, how tired I will be or whatever. I just want it!


 Now, does God always give us what we want? No. Which realllllyyyy sucks sometimes! But this is where faith comes in! Hebrews 11:1 says this : "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen." How beautiful is this? This is the best definition I have ever heard on the word faith. You cannot see faith! You have to KNOW He will do His job! And last I checked, God doesn't make mistakes! He isn't a slacker! He doesn't say "oops! Just kidding! I didn't mean to do that!" He will do exactly what He promises! I LOVE that guarantee! I love the trust I can have in Him, and Him alone! 


I haven't fully 100% let go of my obsession with infertility, but let me tell you, he is working wonders on me! Baby steps! Any-who! I came home that night and J was trying to talk to me and I just asked him to let me have about 20 minutes alone. I just needed to talk to God. I don't know if that upset him because he, being the man he is, wants to be the one to dry my tears and fix my broken heart. At this  time, only God could have. I immediately grabbed my BlackBerry & went to YouTube and started searching music. I listened to  4 songs, cried really good, and I know the 4 songs that God gave me were there to help me heal just a bit more. What is REALLY weird, and a total act of God is that I cannot, for the life of me, think of ONE of those songs! I praise Him for speaking to me that night! I know he isn't done with me yet and I am really curious to see where He is gonna take us! I know someday that I will be a mother, whether that means having a biological child of our own or adopting. But only God can lead us there! So, please friends and family, continue to pray much for us that God will do His will and that we will see His true blessings! 


Here are a couple of songs that I'm loving at the moment, please take the time to listen to the words, you might relate to them also! =) 

Brandon Heath - Wait and See
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJwlmb4V-0Y

Casting Crowns - Praise You in this Storm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno

Kutless - What Faith Can Do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVM85dl-61E

and last, Kutless - It Is Well
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGHZySOi7sY

Many blessings to you!