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I don't know where to start. I'm sooo tired. I'm emotionally beat up and I can't hold on much longer. Today is the day before my Beta blood test and I got a negative on a pregnancy test this morning. I am crushed. There is no way that it's too early for me to know if I'm pregnant or not, as this was a sensitive test and it should have registered already.

I started spotting on Monday night with a little red/pink and having cramps and backache. Jeremy called the dr Tuesday and they said it was completely normal and could be implantation or one of the embryos that didn't make it. She didn't think it was all of them because there wasn't enough flow (sorry for the tmi). I just have a bad feeling. Maybe it's the 5 years of negatives and this same crampy/bachache and spotting before I start my period that gives it away.

I'm out of hope. Jeremy says to stay positive, but I can't. I've researched all different things and it just doesn't look good. I'm so ready for tomorrow to be over with. I am ready to crawl into bed and not get out all weekend. I need to hide and be alone. I need time to grieve and be mad. I know that God is on my side, but I'm just so hurt. This was such a emotional process that I never thought I'd be the one that it didn't work for. I'm 25 years old for crying out loud. Many people my age have more than one kid.

I don't know. I just need to scream and get it all out. I feel like a part of me is missing. I was so excited when we found out that we actually created babies. And for them to be gone just like that? Did I not pray for them enough? Was I too active? What did I do wrong? I don't know if I can do this again. It took so much of me away from my job and caused hardships there. I'm just tired.