The End

So, today was our Beta pregnancy test (blood). And it was negative. I have so many thoughts and emotions at this moment, but when I woke up this morning, I knew the answer. I knew it didn't work and I was filled with peace. God gave me this scripture as we left the hospital at 6:45 this morning and I am still filled with peace. Yes, I am pretty bummed out. It was a lot. A lot of shots, appointments, emotions. Just a lot.

When I started having spotting on Monday night, I had a feeling. God gives us intuition for a reason and I think it has helped me to be able to tolerate today a little more. I broke down that night/morning and cried for almost 2 hours straight. Yesterday it hit me again and I broke down and cried again. I drove straight to Jeremy's work and called him and told him I needed him. He held me for about 20 minutes and let me cry. I knew it was over. I didn't think 4 days ago that I would do IVF again, but I think we will. I am still not ready to look into adoption. God hasn't given me that desire, yet. I'm not ready to give up a baby of our own. (Please don't think I'm saying adopted babies are not your "own", but my heart is set on having a child that is half me and half Jeremy, and until God changes my heart, it will most likely always be that way.)

My plan is to take a few months off and work on losing 20-25 pounds. I know I can, I just NEED to do it. I need to do it for me and for our future baby. I am NOT healthy at all and I don't need to gain a lot of pregnancy weight. So, maybe this is His plan for me? I don't know, but it's what I need to do. So, continue to pray for us and we are so excited to start again in a few months! So, I need someone to PUSH me to lose this weight, any takers!?!

We are doing totally fine and I know it's because Christ lives in us. He gives us the peace that passes all understanding and that my yucky body and bad eggs will be perfected in Glory someday!





I don't know where to start. I'm sooo tired. I'm emotionally beat up and I can't hold on much longer. Today is the day before my Beta blood test and I got a negative on a pregnancy test this morning. I am crushed. There is no way that it's too early for me to know if I'm pregnant or not, as this was a sensitive test and it should have registered already.

I started spotting on Monday night with a little red/pink and having cramps and backache. Jeremy called the dr Tuesday and they said it was completely normal and could be implantation or one of the embryos that didn't make it. She didn't think it was all of them because there wasn't enough flow (sorry for the tmi). I just have a bad feeling. Maybe it's the 5 years of negatives and this same crampy/bachache and spotting before I start my period that gives it away.

I'm out of hope. Jeremy says to stay positive, but I can't. I've researched all different things and it just doesn't look good. I'm so ready for tomorrow to be over with. I am ready to crawl into bed and not get out all weekend. I need to hide and be alone. I need time to grieve and be mad. I know that God is on my side, but I'm just so hurt. This was such a emotional process that I never thought I'd be the one that it didn't work for. I'm 25 years old for crying out loud. Many people my age have more than one kid.

I don't know. I just need to scream and get it all out. I feel like a part of me is missing. I was so excited when we found out that we actually created babies. And for them to be gone just like that? Did I not pray for them enough? Was I too active? What did I do wrong? I don't know if I can do this again. It took so much of me away from my job and caused hardships there. I'm just tired.