John 14:14 - Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Matthew 7:7 - Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you.

Matthew 21:22 - And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.

Mark 11:24 - Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 1

So, I really don't have any reason to blog for 30 days straight, except it seemed fun at the time! A friend of mine is doing this challenge, so I decided to follow along! =)

Day 1 is 20 random facts about yourself: (I don't really like to talk about myself, so know this was super hard for me to complete!)

1. I work with infants and toddlers and LOVE it! I am NOT a babysitter, but am an educator!
2. I have been married for almost 7 years and we've been together for a total of 9 years!
3. I am TERRIFIED of opening biscuits and having balloons in my car (BOMB!)
4. I don't like dirty cob-webby stuff. Ick!
5. I still don't have my bachelors degree after being out of high school for 8 years!
6. Jesus is my rock and my daily source of sustenance. Without Him, I'd be nothing.
7. I LOVE to help others!
8. I LOVE musicals!!!!!!
9. I secretly (well, I guess it's not so secret anymore) still listen to *NSYNC!
10. I really dislike when people get picked on.
11. I am battling infertility and will win the battle one day!
12. I love to create! I like to scrapbook, paint canvases and try new things.
13. I am my husbands biggest fan. He is the most amazing man that God has given me and I'm so thankful for him.
14. I love to take random, unplanned, spur of the moment trips
15. I could eat snow cones every day!
16. I love to dip my french fries in chocolate shakes, popcorn in chocolate sauce and Miracle Whip on my cornbread! Don't judge!
17. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves and get my feelings hurt very easily.
18. My mom is my hero. She put up with more crap than any person I know and survived 18 years of abuse from my father. She is strong and doesn't take crap from anyone! She is also so giving and so thoughtful! She is my best friend!
19. I lost my dad when I was a Freshman in High School. It was so hard to grow up without a dad, but Christ is my father and my amazing father in law is doing a pretty good job, too!
20. I accepted Christ to be my savior in Juy of 2008. That has been the best choice I have ever made in my entire life!

What's Going On?

It's been 8 weeks since I last blogged. Wow!!! Where has the time gone? Had our IVF worked, I would have been 14 weeks!!! It's really crazy to think about it! It feels as if it's been years since we did the procedure.

We have joined a Church and have a new Church family. We have made some amazing new friends and are going to Community Group on Sundays as well. It's amazing to sit with a group of people we barely know and feel so open and honest and just available for God to seep into our life. I am playing Bunco once a month on Monday nights. It's really a lot of fun to just get out and have some "girl" time.

I love that I feel no jealousy, no anger or even bitterness around our friends, whom all have children. It's been so tough to just let go of the resentment towards God and just to let Him have reign over us. It's been wonderful ever since. We are getting a lot closer with other family members and just honestly getting down to the real meaning of what Christ is wanting us to do.

We went to a Marriage conference two weeks after the failed IVF and it was a total life/marriage changer. It was amazing and we are doing so well. Often times, you see a lot of married couples struggling with eachother during infertility stuff due to the high stress, but we work really good together. When I'm down, he picks me back up and vice-versa. He doesn't totally "GET" what is going on, but he is there and it means so much. We learned how to treat eachother as husband and wife and we have a new relationship that is amazing. God is doing so many wonderful and beautiful things in our life. I know He is healing us and it's amazing. Sometimes people think I get "preachy", but honestly, it's my JOB as a Christian to tell you what He says!

Right now, we are fixing up our new little camper!! We've been looking for one for about 4-5 years to take with us to the River on our yearly fishing trip. We usually stayed with Jeremy's parents in their big camper, but it's getting cramped with grandkiddos and hopefully more to come in the future. =) We haven't been looking for a while now and this just fell in our lap! So, we bought it and are making her beautiful!

This is the bed area

Kitchen area

Kitchen/booth primed

Doors are primed

Pretty color on the walls!!

It's coming along pretty good! We have all of the walls painted and most of the cabinets and seats and such. We bought new carpet and vinyl tile that looks like planks of wood. It's really fun. We had an estimate to have it installed and it was over $750!!! So, that was way out of our price range, so we spent right at $150 at Lowes to do it ourself! We are having all of the cushions re-upholstered though. I don't have that fancy machine to do it myself, or my mom and I would. It's not the biggest or the best camper, but it will be beautiful and perfect for us! I'm so thankful God has given us the ability to purchase this and use it!

I'm getting ready for a big craft show at the end of April. I have about 8 canvases made, so it's really getting down to crunch time!! I LOVE craft shows and it will be so much fun to set up at this one.

And for those who are wondering, we are for sure doing IVF again in May/June! It can't get here fast enough! I'm down 12 pounds, so I think I'll meet my 20 pound loss goal! I am more nervous about this cycle, just because I remember the heartbreak from last time, but if we don't take the chance, who knows if it would have worked? As long as God gives me the strength, then we will continue. PLUS I miss going to see my Dr and amazing nurses and the ladies at the front desk. They are pretty much like family to us during the craziness and I wouldn't trade them!

Well, this was way longer than I expected, but again, it has been 8 weeks! =) Until next time!

The End

So, today was our Beta pregnancy test (blood). And it was negative. I have so many thoughts and emotions at this moment, but when I woke up this morning, I knew the answer. I knew it didn't work and I was filled with peace. God gave me this scripture as we left the hospital at 6:45 this morning and I am still filled with peace. Yes, I am pretty bummed out. It was a lot. A lot of shots, appointments, emotions. Just a lot.

When I started having spotting on Monday night, I had a feeling. God gives us intuition for a reason and I think it has helped me to be able to tolerate today a little more. I broke down that night/morning and cried for almost 2 hours straight. Yesterday it hit me again and I broke down and cried again. I drove straight to Jeremy's work and called him and told him I needed him. He held me for about 20 minutes and let me cry. I knew it was over. I didn't think 4 days ago that I would do IVF again, but I think we will. I am still not ready to look into adoption. God hasn't given me that desire, yet. I'm not ready to give up a baby of our own. (Please don't think I'm saying adopted babies are not your "own", but my heart is set on having a child that is half me and half Jeremy, and until God changes my heart, it will most likely always be that way.)

My plan is to take a few months off and work on losing 20-25 pounds. I know I can, I just NEED to do it. I need to do it for me and for our future baby. I am NOT healthy at all and I don't need to gain a lot of pregnancy weight. So, maybe this is His plan for me? I don't know, but it's what I need to do. So, continue to pray for us and we are so excited to start again in a few months! So, I need someone to PUSH me to lose this weight, any takers!?!

We are doing totally fine and I know it's because Christ lives in us. He gives us the peace that passes all understanding and that my yucky body and bad eggs will be perfected in Glory someday!





I don't know where to start. I'm sooo tired. I'm emotionally beat up and I can't hold on much longer. Today is the day before my Beta blood test and I got a negative on a pregnancy test this morning. I am crushed. There is no way that it's too early for me to know if I'm pregnant or not, as this was a sensitive test and it should have registered already.

I started spotting on Monday night with a little red/pink and having cramps and backache. Jeremy called the dr Tuesday and they said it was completely normal and could be implantation or one of the embryos that didn't make it. She didn't think it was all of them because there wasn't enough flow (sorry for the tmi). I just have a bad feeling. Maybe it's the 5 years of negatives and this same crampy/bachache and spotting before I start my period that gives it away.

I'm out of hope. Jeremy says to stay positive, but I can't. I've researched all different things and it just doesn't look good. I'm so ready for tomorrow to be over with. I am ready to crawl into bed and not get out all weekend. I need to hide and be alone. I need time to grieve and be mad. I know that God is on my side, but I'm just so hurt. This was such a emotional process that I never thought I'd be the one that it didn't work for. I'm 25 years old for crying out loud. Many people my age have more than one kid.

I don't know. I just need to scream and get it all out. I feel like a part of me is missing. I was so excited when we found out that we actually created babies. And for them to be gone just like that? Did I not pray for them enough? Was I too active? What did I do wrong? I don't know if I can do this again. It took so much of me away from my job and caused hardships there. I'm just tired.

Snuggle In Little Guys! (Or girls!!!)

So, today was transfer day. I have been relatively cool, calm, and collected up until today. I have been on pins and needles wondering how my 4 little babies have been doing (and if we still had 4) since Monday. I left work at 11:00 a.m. to get to UMC around 12:30 to have blood drawn and walk to the room where the embryologist is with the lab. It was a LONG drive. I thought about all of the possibilities. What if there were none left? What if they were perftect blastocysts? I was giddy, I was happy, I was scared. I have been soooo anxious through this whole process. I've been "Cautiously optimistic" so to speak. I want this to work sooooo bad, but am afraid of how I'd feel if I get my hopes up too high.

Well, we finally got to the little embryology room and I got changed into another beautiful gown and the lovely hair-cap thing and footsie covers. Jeremy got to wear a yellow robe like when we visited our niece in the NICU. We forgot to ask our nurse to take a picture of us together because we were busy chatting and then it got busy. Dr Phy came in and greeted us and then the embryologist came out and showed her the images of our little embryos. We actually only had 3 left today at this point. One blastocyst and two compacted morulas. (These are our BABIES! =)

The top picture is a blastocyst. At this stage, the inner cell mass (The inside part that will form the baby) and the ring around the outside (this will be the placenta) will eventually "hatch" from the shell that it's in and begin to attach to the uterin wall. In a "normal" pregnancy, this is where the embryo is travelling from the falloppian tubes to the uterus.

The bottom picture is a morula. The morula contains about 30 cells that are so tightly woven together, a lot like Monkey Bread. This is actually immediately before the blastocyst stage. We have 2 of these that we are praying for! They are basically a day behind and are considred "weak and unstable".

So, when Dr Phy found out how many embryos we had left and the quality of them, she suggested transferring all THREE. We both F.R.O.Z.E. We were set on 2 max and that was it. Well, Dr Phy said she couldn't guarantee we wouldn't have triplets, but she was very, very comfortable with the fact we would most likely not. (But we decided if we do, it's because that is the gift God wants us to receive, and that's that! How do you pick which one to eliminate?! I couldn't!)

So, we transferred all three. Yes, call us crazy, insane, whatever. I don't care! I have worked sooooo hard trying to make sure this worked perfectly and I would do whatever it takes to get a baby out of this! NO we aren't gonna be "just like Octomom" or whatever. But, we really could just use more of your prayers to make sure we have at least one sweet baby from this cycle. I am having a hard time right now because I have faced so many negative pregnancy tests and just want one to finally come back positive. I am having a really hard time being excited and optimistic right now. I need God to fill me with his peace. I also only need to hear positive and uplifting encouragement, and not questions on why we chose 3 and all that. It was our decision and I fully support it 100%.

What's next??

So, yesterday was our BIG day! I've been looking so forward to this day for a long long long time. I was soo excited that we actually made it to retrieval day, as for some women, it doesn't happen. It was perfect. I didn't under-stimulate and I didn't overstimulate. Yay!

We actually stayed the night at a motel Thursday night because we had to be at the hospital so early. We got to the hospital at 5:45 a.m. to get changed into my beautiful gown:

Don't I look marvelous?? No makeup, hair is so frizzy w/ flyaways because I cant use any product! Oh well!!!! All worth it!



At 6:15, our nurse Katy came in and hooked up my IV. Yowza! I really don't like those things! Around 7:05, I got to walk back to the OR. It was a really cool/weird experience. Both surgeries I've had, I was kinda loopy at this point and was wheeled back. It was cool to see all of the equipment and meet the anesthesiologist and his CNA helper dude (sorry! forgot what he was called! lol!). I got on the itty bitty table and my gown got stuck under me. Katy and I were laughing so hard trying to get it out. Then I laid back and I remember telling the CNA dude to make sure he wakes me up, and we will still be friends! =) I was really anxious at this point because I knew I was about to be knocked out. When they put the oxygen mask on my face I seriously thought I was being suffocated. My heart was racing and I started to panic in my mind. I remember him telling me the medicince would sting and be cold. I just remember praying to God and saying "Hold me close to you Lord" and that was it!

I woke up (kinda, not really) in the elevator with Jeremy taking my picture:

I then really remeber waking up in the Post-Op recovery room. My eyesight was really fuzzy, but I knew what I saw! The SAME nurse who took care of me last March when I had surgery! I was excited to see her! She was sooo sweet to me and took great care of me! (And gave me 2 popsicles!) Then I heard this little boy crying right down from me. It broke my heart. I remember asking her if I could go see him. I thought I could help him feel better. She of course, wouldn't let me go! After 20 minutes of being there, they wheeled me to the room that you stay in until you are released. Guess what?! SAME nurse! Woo hoo!! Another sweet lady. The first thing I had to do was pee. I had almost a full IV before surgery because Katy forgot after she hooked up my IV and left it wide open. So, after going to the restroom, 10 minutes later, it was time to go again. They decided to go ahead and unhook my IV. Sweet! Freedom!!!!!! So, I was tired of that board, er I mean bed. So, I sat on the little couch and chowed down on my graham crackers and apple juice. Jeremy got called in there and was very surprised to see me doing well. (Usually I'm either puking or knocked out). After about 10 minutes, they decided I could go home! YAY!

We went to Cracker Barrel, and I ate pretty good and didn't sleep the entire drive home. After we got home, I was so hungry again! Ate lunch, took a 45 minute nap and was wired the rest of the day. We went and ate with family last night and I slept like 10 hours last night! Amazing!We've been stressing releaxing and waiting for the fertilization report.

When it came in, it showed we actually had ELEVEN eggs retrieved and 6 of them fertilized. Woo hoo!!!! I was kinda sad to see that there were 5 eggs that weren't up to par, but then I remembered that I had quite a few follicles that weren't quite mature enough, so that explains why! We will get daily reports from the embryologist that will explain to us how our little babies are doing each day. If by Monday we have a little show off, we may have a transfer that day. If they are all developing at a gradual rate, then we will have a 5 day, blastocyst transfer. Neither is actually "better" per-se, but it just depends on the quality of the embryo. 5-Day transfers have a little higher success rate because this is the stage in development that the embryo begins to "hatch" from the little shell and implants to the uterus.

So, this is it for now! We just wait some more! I am on progesterone injections and it wasn't too bad. I know it will get tougher and we are praying for 84 days of the shots, instead of 14! I know that God has a plan for us and all 6 of these babies of ours. I just hope that He will let us bring at least one home to know Him and allow us to raise him/her to praise Him for his amazing works! 



It's Show Time!!!!

So, we had our last ultrasound and blood work appointment today with Dr. Phy. I have 6 amazing follicles ranging from 16mm-20.5mm. I also have 3 that are 14-15mm. My blood work came back great, no signs of early ovulation (rare, but possible) and Estradiol level was at 1695 (amazing!).

So, Dr Phy set our egg retrieval (ET, as I call it for short, so you know what I'm saying) for Friday morning at 6:00 a.m. We have to be at the Labor & Delivery unit (where the Embryologist lives :) at 5:45 a.m. to get hooked up to IV's and all that fun stuff. YAY! More needles! =)

They are going to give me a mild sedative to make me sleep, but not completely be out like with anesthesia.

I had to take this bad boy tonight to get ready:

This is what is called a trigger shot. I had to mix it first and use a 1 1/2" needle to inject it into my gluteus maximus! Even though I freezed my tush for 10 minutes with the free icepack that came with my $2000 prescriptions, it still hurt a little and is super sore now. I better get my butt in gear, cause I have a lot more  booty shots coming up! If I get pregnant, I get 12 weeks of progesterone, that is thick like vegetable oil. Yowza! But, 100% of these shots and bruises and lumps and pain will be worth it to have a miracle baby to bring home to be ours.  

ANYWAYS! I never told you what the trigger shot does! haha! When the follicles are growing with a normal and medicated cycle, it is actually a little fluid filled sac that hopefully will contain an egg. The purpose of the trigger shot is to make the egg release from the sidewalls of the follicle, but still remain floating in the liquid. This will allow Dr. Phy to retrieve the eggs with the needle easier. Make sense? Clear as mud? If you are seriously interested, here's a really cool video on YouTube that has how this process works IVF Video

After the ET, Dr. Phy is done with her job and hands off the follicles in the test tube (How IVF babies got dubbed the name "Test Tube Baby") off to the Embryologist to do his magic. He will actually separate all of the eggs out of the fluid in the tube and will have a count of how many mature eggs I was able to grow. At this time, he will do a really cool technique that video didn't mention. It's called ICSI. The video states it's only used for fathers with poor sperm or whatever, but this is a standard procedure in their office because it has a much higher success rate! Click here: How the Egg(s) are fertilized.

So, after that, we will get daily reports on how our embryos (babies!!!) are doing daily. We are hoping and praying that we make it to a 5 day transfer (Wednesday). At that point, the embryos will be a blastocyst and will have a much higher chance for survival. Just whatever the embryologist deems best for our little guys and us! 

Keep us in your prayers! God is doing some amazing things,  and I just know he is capable of giving us our miracle! =)

Definitely a "Whew" kinda day

Well, these last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  Last Thursday we went to Lubbock to what was supposed to be my baseline ultrasound appointment and they did bloodwork to check my Estradiol (Estrogen released from the ovaries) levels. One of the nurses thought she saw a small cyst on my left ovary, and stated she wasn't too concerned. I was worried because I'd been on birth control for 2 months now and then like 8 days of Lupron, both which are to put everything to sleep and prevent cysts from forming. But, since she said she wasn't worried, I blew it off. We went on with the rest of the appointment and then we had to go to the outpatient facility to register for the egg retrieval. That took nearly 2 hours just to wait to be called back. Super sleepy at that point!

As soon as we got back to town, I get a phone call from Dr. Phy's nurse, Katy. She proceeds to tell me that my Estradiol levels were still elevated and that I would need to remain on the Lupron (ovary sleepy medicine) until my appointment that I had scheduled already for today. Boo hiss! This really made me get anxious. I was fully prepared to start taking my stims (wake up ovaries medicine that makes follicles start growing) on Friday, and then everything be just hunky-dory. Welp, once again, my plans don't always work out! =)

So, fast forward to Today, and we are in Lubbock, once again! They wanted to do a quick ultrasound and then draw my blood for another Estradiol level test. Turns out, there wasn't a cyst afterall, it was just a larger follicle, yippee! (Cysts are a nightmare for IVF'ers, as they often-times create cycles to be cancelled) Around lunch, Jeremy called to let me know that I needed to start taking my stims. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! WOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!! YIPPPPEEEEEE!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!! This means that the levels dropped!!! I went to the health office to take my first dose of Follistim. It wasn't too bad! It's actually really kinda fun! This evening, I took my first dose of Menopur. Jeremy actually mixed, drew and injected it! He did great! I like that he wants to be apart of this as much as possible! At 12:30 tonight (well, in the morning I guess I should say) I get to take the Follistim again! Hummmm....I guess I can deal with the lack of sleep for 10 more days! =D

So, keep us in your prayers and we just KNOW that God is working a miracle and that we will have a baby very soon! =)