Well, today was an excellent day! We headed off to Lubbock around 11:15 or so, and stopped through McDonalds and grabbed lunch. J and I chatted all the way about his new worktruck, work, my mom's 60th birthday party and various things. I also had some time to read a few chapters of Pioneer Woman's memoir (which is fabulous, by the way!).
Our first appointment was at 1:00 for J to do his thing in the "fun room" at the lab. After that, we had to wait an hour before heading to one of my favorite places of all times: Dr Phy! Seriously, I get soooo super excited when I have an appointment! It's like when I have an appointment for a pedicure or a massage or facial. I seriously cannot wait to get in there and see what is going on! I LOVE those ladies! Each one at that office is soooo sweet and so caring and I just LOVE arriving there and chatting with them! Come to find out, 2 of them are avid scrapbookers! SCORE! Must be fate for me to be there, right??
Well, we had to get some papers from the medical billing and such for my Aflac claim from my surgery in March, so that pretty took up the hour wait. So, we drove to the other side of the hospital to go downstairs to the garden level (basement level all fancied up...) as I have numerous times in the last 6 months. We were greeted by the super sweet women and waited about 10 minutes for it to be our turn. Jeremy and I took turns playing Angry Birds on my new Nook Color....Then Katy came to the door and greeted us and called us back. She told us that J's sample hadn't yet made it back from the lab, so she allowed us to wait in the room. We waited about 5-10 more minutes.
Then Katy and Alicia came in together, one with the catheter containing the magical potion for my future children...hopefully. (haha.) Alicia then informed me that she was needing some practice with ultrasounds during an IVF procedure that was coming up, and asked if she could do an ultrasound of the IUI process. I said sure, and we went on with the show.
Now, I will tell you guys (well, girls mainly....I don't know any guys that read this, INCLUDING my dear husband!) that the process really sucks. Just imagine you are getting your yearly pap smear, but you have a catheter inserted into your uterus. It's awful. Your cervix does NOT like foreign objects, so it makes you cramp. Like crazy. I have to sit there and wait for the cramping to stop before we can proceed. We had to do this 3 times. (This is because the cramping can expel the swimmers...) Anyways, enough with the icky stuff! We saw the catheter on the screen and watched the little fellas (as Jeremy calls them) swim towards my falloppian tubs. It was amazing! I was soooo excited to see the possibility of one of those swimmers finding my egg.
I have not had ANY cramping from ovulation (and I do EVERY time, as I'm usually on some sort of med to induce it, so it is a little bit more powerful ovulation than normal ovulation...so It's usually very painful...). 30 minutes after the IUI procedure, I had a sudden surge of the painful surges. I knew exactly what it was. I have traveled this road a few times before, so there was no mistaking what this was! This is AMAZING because it gives us a much higher chance of conceiving. We have to wait until July 5th to see whether or not this procedure worked. I know that this is all in God's hands and whether or not it works is up to Him. And I'm okay with it. He's got this under control!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
venting
You know, I realllly should probably just keep my mouth shut, but isn't the point of this blog to share my heart? To share my struggles and my heart ache?
I'm having a really hard time today. I found out some stuff about my dad (who passed away 10 years ago) that I never new and I'm seriously really upset. I'm mad, honestly. I'm mad I was never told he was in the hospital for almost a week. I'm mad that I was never invited to his wedding, only got an announcement after he was marriend....I'm really just mad....Is it okay for me to be mad? Yes, but a friend shared some scripture with me that I desperatley needed to read.
So, the Bible tells me, it's okay to be angry, but don't act out in anger. The act of anger is a product of Satan and I need to give my anger to God. I need to let Him handle this.
Here lately, I've been getting my feelings hurt about my struggle with infertility. I'm gonna lay this on pretty dang thick, and I may soon regret saying this, but it needs to be said.
Infertility SUCKS. Seriously. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through and for those of you who have shared the following tips with me, you really need to just flat out shut your face:
And if you feel you have to walk on egg shells around me, because you are afraid to hurt my feelings, then you are most likely better off not even coming around me. I know what you are doing and how you are thinking about me. Either talk to me as a grown up and be considerate of my feelings, or don't talk to me at all. Simple as that.
Or if you don't know what to say to me, just ask how I'm doing. That shows that you are concerned with how I am actually feeling at that moment.
This is soooo emotionally and physically draining and I am sooo tired of feeling like I have to cater to everyones emotions because I feel selfish for being upset and down some days because I can't have a baby. Call me a drama queen. Call me selfish. Call me whatever. You deal with it and see how long you can keep these feelings in. Especially when you have practially NO ONE to talk to that knows what you are going through!
It has been the longest 5 years of my life and I thank my God for the sobering wake up call. I am trying to live my life the best I can to serve Him. I will raise a child in a Christian home and will dedicate him or her to the Lord. I'm so sorry in advance for any hurt feelings that this blog may cause, but I am entitled to feel this way. I don't have to keep this in. I'm seriously so tired of lashing out at Jeremy when I get my feelings hurt....It's not his fault...So, I'm just gonna leave them to God and let Him handle them and enjoy my husband! We will be celebrating 6 years of marriage (and 8 total years together) this Saturday!! WOO HOO!
I'm not sure what else I need to say or if there is anything else to say....
Oh..I guess we can discuss the IUI business...
Well, since IUI #1 didn't work, we went on to what we thought was gonna be IUI #2. Well, everything was going great...I did the 5 days of Clomid to induce ovulation, and then went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries and to see if any follicles had grown. (Follicles are the home of possible eggs...They have to grow to 18 -20 mm to be released). Well, Katy, the new-ish RN did the ultrasound and there were two follicles about 14 mm on each side..What we both thought were follicles that were too small, decided to come back in a couple of days....Dr Phy had just came in (thankfully! I love Katy, but she is still learning, like me!!) and looked at the pictures. She decided that she wanted to do another internal ultrasound. So, she looked a bit and decided that those two follicles had actually already ruptured (which explains my cramping the day before....), and the follicles were now empty sacs....
DANG IT! So, my body ovulated a few days early. CRAP! This is all I could think....Then she said "This could be our answer!" I could just be ovulating early. This whole baby making business is sooo much about timing it's insane..."NORMAL" people ovulate around 13-15 days into the cycle. I'm ovulating like 9-10 days into it....Does that make a difference? You bet your sweet boots it does! Spermies will live about 3 days or so on average....So, needless to say, we crossed our fingers and toesies and prayed that this would be our miracle cycle, naturally. Cause how cool would that be? haha!
And it didn't work. I had NO fears. No doubt. NO sorrow. I'm seriously okay with it. I'm so excited to know what is going on! I'm on a new fertility inducing medicine, Femara. I have been on the Clomid too long and it isn't great for your body...Well, the main use for Femara is to treat breast cancer after menopause...Hmmm...If I didn't trust Dr Phy and all of the boards on the Bump that have millions of women successfully using it, then I wouldn't touch it.
We are a few days into my 5 day cycle, and I have to take these ovulation predictor kits (OPK's):
I'm having a really hard time today. I found out some stuff about my dad (who passed away 10 years ago) that I never new and I'm seriously really upset. I'm mad, honestly. I'm mad I was never told he was in the hospital for almost a week. I'm mad that I was never invited to his wedding, only got an announcement after he was marriend....I'm really just mad....Is it okay for me to be mad? Yes, but a friend shared some scripture with me that I desperatley needed to read.
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger
So, the Bible tells me, it's okay to be angry, but don't act out in anger. The act of anger is a product of Satan and I need to give my anger to God. I need to let Him handle this.
Here lately, I've been getting my feelings hurt about my struggle with infertility. I'm gonna lay this on pretty dang thick, and I may soon regret saying this, but it needs to be said.
Infertility SUCKS. Seriously. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through and for those of you who have shared the following tips with me, you really need to just flat out shut your face:
- Just get over it.
- I hope your child isn't like mine.
- You can take mine for a day, then you'd change your mind.
- Maybe it's not meant to be.
- You need to slow down and take care of yourself.
- If you would just stop thinking about it, it may happen.
- God may have other plans for you.
- What if you are meant to adopt?
And if you feel you have to walk on egg shells around me, because you are afraid to hurt my feelings, then you are most likely better off not even coming around me. I know what you are doing and how you are thinking about me. Either talk to me as a grown up and be considerate of my feelings, or don't talk to me at all. Simple as that.
Or if you don't know what to say to me, just ask how I'm doing. That shows that you are concerned with how I am actually feeling at that moment.
This is soooo emotionally and physically draining and I am sooo tired of feeling like I have to cater to everyones emotions because I feel selfish for being upset and down some days because I can't have a baby. Call me a drama queen. Call me selfish. Call me whatever. You deal with it and see how long you can keep these feelings in. Especially when you have practially NO ONE to talk to that knows what you are going through!
It has been the longest 5 years of my life and I thank my God for the sobering wake up call. I am trying to live my life the best I can to serve Him. I will raise a child in a Christian home and will dedicate him or her to the Lord. I'm so sorry in advance for any hurt feelings that this blog may cause, but I am entitled to feel this way. I don't have to keep this in. I'm seriously so tired of lashing out at Jeremy when I get my feelings hurt....It's not his fault...So, I'm just gonna leave them to God and let Him handle them and enjoy my husband! We will be celebrating 6 years of marriage (and 8 total years together) this Saturday!! WOO HOO!
I'm not sure what else I need to say or if there is anything else to say....
Oh..I guess we can discuss the IUI business...
Well, since IUI #1 didn't work, we went on to what we thought was gonna be IUI #2. Well, everything was going great...I did the 5 days of Clomid to induce ovulation, and then went in for the ultrasound to check my ovaries and to see if any follicles had grown. (Follicles are the home of possible eggs...They have to grow to 18 -20 mm to be released). Well, Katy, the new-ish RN did the ultrasound and there were two follicles about 14 mm on each side..What we both thought were follicles that were too small, decided to come back in a couple of days....Dr Phy had just came in (thankfully! I love Katy, but she is still learning, like me!!) and looked at the pictures. She decided that she wanted to do another internal ultrasound. So, she looked a bit and decided that those two follicles had actually already ruptured (which explains my cramping the day before....), and the follicles were now empty sacs....
DANG IT! So, my body ovulated a few days early. CRAP! This is all I could think....Then she said "This could be our answer!" I could just be ovulating early. This whole baby making business is sooo much about timing it's insane..."NORMAL" people ovulate around 13-15 days into the cycle. I'm ovulating like 9-10 days into it....Does that make a difference? You bet your sweet boots it does! Spermies will live about 3 days or so on average....So, needless to say, we crossed our fingers and toesies and prayed that this would be our miracle cycle, naturally. Cause how cool would that be? haha!
And it didn't work. I had NO fears. No doubt. NO sorrow. I'm seriously okay with it. I'm so excited to know what is going on! I'm on a new fertility inducing medicine, Femara. I have been on the Clomid too long and it isn't great for your body...Well, the main use for Femara is to treat breast cancer after menopause...Hmmm...If I didn't trust Dr Phy and all of the boards on the Bump that have millions of women successfully using it, then I wouldn't touch it.
We are a few days into my 5 day cycle, and I have to take these ovulation predictor kits (OPK's):
How cool are these? Dr Phy wanted me to use these line tests, but I don't like them...They are way confusing. Not like pregnancy tests, because you don't just look for two lines...The test line has to be darker than the control line. Too much thinking for me! Haha! These are simple. Smily face means LH surge (LH is the hormone that will cause a possible ovulation) and circle means no LH surge. So, hopefully we will get this figured out and get to Dr. Phy in time! Thank GOD I have such an understanding supervisor and boss that understand my short notice leave! They ROCK!
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